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Old 06-09-2010, 06:33 PM
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Default Forbidden Love - Rewritten.

Title: Forbidden Love
Kxani Yawne – rewrite (chapter one)
Author: Lyra (Tree-Of-Souls)-- Eltu 2010.
Authors note: After finishing Kxani Yawne, I realized that it wasn't actually any good whatsoever. I'm speaking plot-wise and in the terms of how it was written. Now I have a good idea on how to tackle the story, I think it's time for a rewrite. (Note that this may not follow the original plot, so give this a read even if you've read Kxani Yawne.)

You know, once I was part of a beautiful world, I was known as La'Ki, and I left my home, and everything I ever cared about, all because of love. I was brought up to believe that Eywa loved everyone, and saw everything, and helped us through our lives. At one point I believed that this couldn't be true, not with what happened to Yawne. It was so unfair... Although, you probably don't understand anything I'm talking about. I was daughter of 'Jakxi' and 'Yeha'. I was born under the assumption that one day I would become the Clan Matriarch... but that never happened. However, I can't blame anyone except for myself. It was my choice, and always has been.

Yawne always managed to make me laugh you know, I suppose that this was one of the things that I loved about her. Her smile, her laugh, her unbelievable beauty and personality. I loved her. She was unique, in both mind and body. You see Yawne was different from most clan members. She had a distinct feature, her eyes. One iris was a deep blue, and the other a distinct shade of green, almost like the amazing tropical trees on Pandora.

*
Yawne crept up to La'Ki, from the tree branch above. La'Ki was sleeping soundly in her hammock, and was clearly in a deep slumber.
La'Ki mumbled something about food and rolled over to her side, before falling silent again. Yawne giggled and cupped her hands around her mouth, in order to make her voice sound louder before shouting out,
“La'Ki! Wake up sleepy head!”
La'Ki jolted up, making even Yawne jump, and fell off the hammock and onto the gigantic green leaves below, still damp from the morning dew. Yawne laughed loudly, before jumping down, to be greeted by La'Ki, who looked highly unamused.
“Think it's funny do you?” La'Ki grumbled playfully, “We'll see how you feel about that when you wake up tomorrow...”
La'Ki giggled when she saw Yawne's mock look of horror, and burst out laughing.
“So...” La'Ki said, “Any reason for you waking me up? Usually you wait until I wake up myself.” Yawne laughed and then turned and jumped from the giant leaf and onto the ground below.
“If you want to know, you'll have to catch me first!” she shouted up, before running off in a different direction. La'Ki scowled before jumping from the leaf, and setting off in pursuit of her blue na'vi friend. Yawne ran and ran, faster and faster, she was sure La'Ki was right on her tail. And sure enough, seconds later she felt La'Ki crash against her, pushing her to the ground with a heavy thud.

La'Ki blushed, as she noticed the position they were both now in. She was on top of Yawne her face merely inches away from Yawne's both panting heavily.
“S-Sorry, didn't mean to knock you over.” La'Ki stuttered, as she picked herself up and moved away from Yawne. “What was it you woke me up for? Was it important?”
Yawne smiled, and sat up, but didn't stand as La'Ki did. Instead she cupped her legs and looked at La'Ki straight in the eye, her smile not faltering once.
“I know who your mate is going to be.” she stated simply. La'Ki stared at her in shock, and then moaned out loud.
“Who is it Yawne? Is it at least someone nice...?” Yawne stopped smiling now, and looked at the ground, not even bothering to look at La'Ki, as she knew what her response would be.
“It's Anyu.”
La'Ki growled, her face showing utter disgust. She knelt down and grasped Yawne's arms, and looked at her in the eyes.”Who told you Yawne? Is it just a rumor or...”
Yawne simply nodded her head, indicating a no, and then spoke.
“I heard it from your Parents, they were both talking about him, and that he's the most likely candidate.” Yawne then stopped for a moment before speaking again. “Can't you at least give him a chance? It's not as if he's ever done anything to y--”
“He hasn't done anything? Damn right he hasn't done anything! Because I won't let him one foot near me! He's a dirty piece of work. I've seen him with the other males, all showing off and trying to make every female melt. Well it doesn't work on me.”

Yawne scowled now, and growled at La'Ki angrily.
“Can't you at least give him a chance? You haven't even talked to the guy!” La'Ki growled back, and let go of Yawne's arms, sitting down next to the other na'vi female.
“He's not my type Yawne...” she said glumly, giving up trying to take her anger out on someone. This just seemed to make Yawne even more interested in her friend's strange behavior.
“What do you mean He's not your type, Like I said La'Ki, you haven't even had a decent conversation with him!”
To this La'Ki flinched, as if afraid to talk.
“Don't make me talk about this Yawne... This really isn't the time and place.”
However, to La'Ki's dismay Yawne simply turned and hugged the female to her.
“You can tell me anything, come on out with it, Why don't you want to be with Anyu.”
Yawne let go of La'Ki and was surprised to find that she now has a pair of lips locked with hers. She gasped for a second, and before she could even comprehend what was going on, it ended.
La'Ki stared at Yawne for a couple of seconds, before letting out a small sob.
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...” he stood up from the ground, and turned around, running off in another direction. Yawne didn't stop her, she was too shocked to do anything.
'Why did she do that?' Thought Yawne, her mind a mess of questions and questions, all searching for answers. The one that was plaguing her the most was 'Why aren't I grossed out by what she did?'

La'Ki ran all the way back to hometree, as fast as she could, almost as if she was scared of being caught up with by Yawne. She couldn't understand why she kissed Yawne. Her best friend, her friend. Not her lover, her friend. La'Ki ran all the way around hometree, out of sight of the others in her tribe and clambered round the various trees and managed to find an enclosed spot, barely visible from the outside. It was here that she came to rest, letting herself fall to the floor she let out a terrible sob, tears flowing from her eyes, and clambering download her pale blue cheek. She stayed there for what seemed like days, but were in fact only minutes. It wasn't long before La'Ki heard her name being called. Her lip quivered as she heard it, it was definitely Yawne shouting. She sounded desperate, sad even.
Within seconds Yawne had discovered her hiding place, and ran up to her, hugging her close.
“You shouldn't have ran you know.” she whispered to La'Ki, her voice reassuring, almost comforting. “I know this... this is all new to me... but...” Yawne gently wrapped her tail around La'Ki's waist, and kissed her gently on the cheek. “I love you too.”
La'Ki just froze, she couldn't believe what she was hearing. She didn't think anyone else was like her. Especially not Yawne!
“I-I L-Love you t-too.” she stuttered back, tears were now visible on her cheeks again, and they were rolling down wildly.
Yawne noticed this, and broke away from La'Ki, and gently wiped away her tears.


Chapter two probably tonight aswell

Last edited by Lyra; 06-09-2010 at 08:03 PM.
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  #2  
Old 06-09-2010, 07:12 PM
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: / I dunno, Its difficult to rewrite excellence and still achieve the same effect...
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Old 06-09-2010, 07:27 PM
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I think you should just rewrite the last chapter.
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Old 06-09-2010, 07:33 PM
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Impossible. If you look, The ending related to the beginning of Kxani Yawne. also chapter two was sub-par, as was most of the story. While rewriting this I'm hoping to include more on how their relationship develops before Yawne becomes ill. it seemed to happen too fast in the first version. Think of Kxani Yawne as Project 880 and Forbidden Love as avatar if you will. It's a different story with the same plot.
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Old 06-09-2010, 10:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Devourment View Post
I think you should just rewrite the last chapter.
I think he should just change the damn ending.
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Old 06-09-2010, 10:58 PM
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Did any of you guys actually read this and compare it to the first one? This makes much more sense than the original, and seems much more realistic.
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Old 06-12-2010, 03:10 AM
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I like it... It's hard to improve on the original, but this...

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