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Old 03-20-2010, 07:50 PM
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Default Runs Deep.

Concept stages, not final product. Here to get some suggestions and second opinions. Thank you.


PANDORA DAY1


Pleasured being born into a world corrupt and
hateful, the colonel had the sense of mission dealing with the infected meat. He had been bound with the gun, the mission the planning. It was a matter of time, before he was sent here.


Blast shattered glass and pummelled bullets littered the pandoran ground. There had been conflict, for the plundering marines had burst ammo rounds into the woods. Their mission was the annihilation of indigenous planetary threats, but can such orders really be served in such a place abundant in potential.
It was at that point, battling the toxins that invaded his body, his filtration mask exposed that he realised the reality of it all. The colonel was threatened in the first minute, he felt infected by this planet, the smell it repulsed him, the people it disgusted him. It brought him down, diminished him, Pandora reduced him to nothing.

He struggled to remain conscious, the thick toxins restrained him to the ground. Marines enveloped the scene, the colonel reached for his gun and shot one, taking their mask.

He lost them, and entered a clearing. He had no idea where he was, and his damaged filtration mask was depleting. He had no weapons, but his mental attitude. "Damn the authority, they can't plan ****" he thought. He did not take in the beauty around him, the bioluminescence raped his eyes. He refused to sleep, but remained walking, he was always on a mission. There was no sign of a military installation for miles.

Blurred shadow studied him, spindly figures watched him from great height, in the safety of the grand trees that surrounded him. Before they could make an appearance, several marines appeared. They had tracked his signal, the colonel demanded to be taken to the control room.

“Bastards, those corporate goons made much mess of things here.”

Chester Roman, the administrator to military affairs corroded into his chair, and reduced himself to nothing. The colonel concentrated hard at him, then moved toward the protective window. He looked at the planet coldly, the lush woods had bleached themselves in the sun. The mountainous rock formations, with their dense greenery clinging to them dwindled above. He had not thought to question the plausibility of that scene, but instead he absorbed himself in the potential.
“Looks to me, like there’s a bad taste surrounding the authority in this place,” the colonel said. He breathed deeply for a moment and returned to the desk. Chester remained tensed by the colonel’s formidable presence, but decided to speak.

“I’m here to do what is ordered, I have no control of the matter. If you are having problems dealing with this new authority, blame it on the corporation, we are merely messengers."

Before the colonel could react, two corporation officials grabbed him from behind "It was a mistake bringing you here"

He was taken to a rotting cell, he had nothing here, he hated the authority the corporation, he was used to being in control. Even the planet made him sick. But then, something happened.

An explosion engulfed his cell, the wall behind him crumbled and light flooded in, it was an assault by the indigenous. He cowered in the corner, they loomed over him, but then one looked at him. It was at that moment he thought differently. It was a woman, she picked him up, and took him in her arms. He reached for his exo pack and sealed it over his face, everything else was a blur.

(It was then they both fell in love, three months later)

He cradled her body under his muscularity, cemented in a protective bond that resonated amongst the shroud of bioluminescence. His gestures of emotional resonance, revealed those concealed personal thoughts he had pushed to the recesses of his mind. The colonel tore himself from his armour, broke the constraints that military training had pummelled into his head, and embraced her tightly. He looked at her brilliant cerulean tone. Their resplendent shadows merged together, they clung to each other, burning passion ripping at the seams, about to bust. Colours of all romantic spectrums flooded them brilliantly.

"I think you have showed me what has been absent in life, Leyra make me yours."

Leyra looked at him sternly "There is only one cruel thing, you are human"

Quaritch burst into the avatar program room, Grace looked at him suprised. "Who are you?" she said, looking at him like he had no authority here.

"I’m the colonel, and your going to make me an avatar"

"I cannot do that" she said. He put a gun to here temple. "Do this for me, I wont regret this"

It was then she agreed, that was the catalyst from then on. It was a three month period. He did not tell Leyra, for it was a surprise, he did meet her during the birthing period of his avatar.

Three months later, he gave birth to himself. It looked like him, Grace was not pleased. "This is not what the program is for, you have gone against protocol."

"I have gone against the system," he replied.

"Why did you want it?" she said.

He reserved himself "I’m not telling you."

He initiated himself into the link, "Don’t think pressing that button wont tempt me, I hear it causes a lot of mental pain" Grace said, as the chamber lid closed down on his head.

It was a rebirth, that represented his change in thoughts. He felt alive again, he wanted to see Leyra immediately. Grace hushed it all up, and told him to leave without causing too much problems. When he was in control of his new body, he ran, ran as fast as he could to get to Leyra. There was an immense rush of anticipation inside him, he could not wait to see her reaction.

But it was not to be. It was all a plan. Leyra was so pleased to seem him, for a different reason. He was surrounded by the people. They looked at him hungrily.

“I made you what you are now for a purpose, did you really think I loved you?” The colonel died inside

“I loved you, I don’t understand.”

Leyra continued “I wanted you for a purpose, that purpose is to give me all the blueprints and layouts of the compound, we want inside information, weaknesses and secrets.”

The colonel hung his head low, that sense of mission raised up in him.

“You will do as we tell you, otherwise you will be punished.”

“I loved you,” he repeated. “I thought you loved me”

“Your nothing but a puny human, unintelligent and ruthless, I only wanted you for this, nothing more.”
The colonel burned inside, “I don’t believe what im hearing”

They came closer now “It was all a plan, I had no love for you, you think you had me.”

The colonel lashed out, he had his armour back on, they lunged at him and forced him to the ground. The colonel burned with fury, that never left him. “I will kill all of you” he said.

Leyra pulled a knife from her sheathe, but before she could punish him, he had escaped their clutches. They ran for him, but they did not find him. He hid in an empty site room he had found teetering on the edge of a mountainous formation. It was an abandoned link room, he shut the door. But then he awoke.

Grace had pushed the button, she looked at him, he looked at her. But the colonel was actually somewhat thankful.

“Tell me it hurt”, she said.

“It did” he replied.

“What is this all about?” she said.

But the colonel did not reply, he lunged out of that coffin, and headed to the cargo bay.

Grace, angered, demanded him. “It’s still out there, your avatar, Is it safe?”
He looked back at the chamber link. “Yes, and maybe I will have some use for it some other time”

The colonel entered the armoury, he entered his AMP suit, and at that moment headed out to act his revenge that corrupted his mind. He loaded the gun, buckled himself in and walked out into the bright light of the alpha sun, the colonel disappeared into the mass of the woods.
Followed by a bunch of screams and cries of pain.

Last edited by Cyan; 03-21-2010 at 11:03 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-20-2010, 08:17 PM
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You have a great talent in writing and making up an interesting plotline. Not just something I say, I actually mean it - your fanfics are always interesting to read, and I think that is the most important quality of a novel.

Keep the good work up
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Old 03-20-2010, 08:24 PM
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Interesting
It's well written too, although I still think Quaritch's scar really happened like this:

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Old 03-20-2010, 10:07 PM
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*steals HNM's pic and puts in Funny Pictures thread*
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Old 03-21-2010, 11:16 PM
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Bump?
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Old 03-22-2010, 06:19 AM
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Hard to comment more without more text eh?

I love what you are doing, keep writing!
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:02 AM
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Is this Quaritch? Or another Colonel? If its Quaritch then I can see where your taking this, and its a great way to show why Quaritch hates the Na'vi so much. If its another Colonel, I hope its a love story <33
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Last edited by TxonTirea; 03-23-2010 at 10:13 AM.
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TxonTirea View Post
Is this Quaritch? Or another Colonel? If its Quaritch then I can see where your taking this, and its a great way to show why Quaritch hates the Na'vi so much. If its another Colonel, I hope its a love story <33
It is Quaritch, prehaps I should have used his actual name
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Old 03-23-2010, 12:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ColonelMilesQuaritch View Post
It is Quaritch, prehaps I should have used his actual name
Ah, well great writing. If I put it into perspective, I'd be angry too. I don't hate Quaritch as much now, but he's still a dick. He tried to KILL Neytiri and Jake and EVERYONE! Grrr <33
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[12:40:18 AM] Josh Sully: so let me get this straight Txon, you're a Gay, Cross dressing, Avatar Obsessed, Japanese addicted furry?
Love Rekindled: Tsu'tey x Jake
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Old 03-23-2010, 03:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TxonTirea View Post
Ah, well great writing. If I put it into perspective, I'd be angry too. I don't hate Quaritch as much now, but he's still a dick. He tried to KILL Neytiri and Jake and EVERYONE! Grrr <33
I'm not trying to force you to like him, it only offered some backstory, some method to his madness. Dont feel you have to think of him differently, but i was trying to get that across
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Old 03-23-2010, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ColonelMilesQuaritch View Post
I'm not trying to force you to like him, it only offered some backstory, some method to his madness. Dont feel you have to think of him differently, but i was trying to get that across
Yeah, and its a well written back story too, and shows why Quaritch hates them so much. It ties in perfectly with the Avatar story too, I think you should send this to JC! But then again, I say that about all awesome fan fics
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[12:40:18 AM] Josh Sully: so let me get this straight Txon, you're a Gay, Cross dressing, Avatar Obsessed, Japanese addicted furry?
Love Rekindled: Tsu'tey x Jake
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  #12  
Old 03-23-2010, 04:32 PM
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Cyan Reply, i don't bite
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TxonTirea View Post
Yeah, and its a well written back story too, and shows why Quaritch hates them so much. It ties in perfectly with the Avatar story too, I think you should send this to JC! But then again, I say that about all awesome fan fics
Thanks, its really motivating
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Old 03-23-2010, 05:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ColonelMilesQuaritch View Post
Thanks, its really motivating
No problem ma tsmukan. Keep writing, Im intrigued in spite of myself...
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[12:40:18 AM] Josh Sully: so let me get this straight Txon, you're a Gay, Cross dressing, Avatar Obsessed, Japanese addicted furry?
Love Rekindled: Tsu'tey x Jake
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  #14  
Old 03-23-2010, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by TxonTirea View Post
No problem ma tsmukan. Keep writing, Im intrigued in spite of myself...
I have several concept ideas unrelated to avatar
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Old 03-23-2010, 06:57 PM
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Sorry I didn't comment on this yesterday, I got distracted xD

As always beautifully written, and I definitely didn't see that twist coming...

Will there be more of this? *hopes*
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