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  #16  
Old 09-14-2015, 04:06 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Empty Glass View Post
You're welcome indeed, and I'm glad you think my feedback is insightful. I imagine getting the characters' voices down must be challenging, but I think you're on the right track.
Much appreciated, ma tsmukan! I look forward to what you think of in the future!

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I thought it was great, apart from a little awkward language.
That's wonderful! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I guess I can't be perfect aha, as much as I try. I certainly sacrifice a certain level of fluidity to make sure I'm hammering home the details I want to. Such is life, your feedback is grand!

Irayo, all of you!
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  #17  
Old 09-14-2015, 09:24 AM
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Much appreciated, ma tsmukan! I look forward to what you think of in the future!



That's wonderful! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I guess I can't be perfect aha, as much as I try. I certainly sacrifice a certain level of fluidity to make sure I'm hammering home the details I want to. Such is life, your feedback is grand!

Irayo, all of you!
It wasn't so much that it was just awkard, but there's a couple of times where you use words that don't actually fit into the surrounding grammar of the sentence, e.g. "mutually" is not an adverb(?)
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  #18  
Old 09-14-2015, 02:01 PM
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It wasn't so much that it was just awkard, but there's a couple of times where you use words that don't actually fit into the surrounding grammar of the sentence, e.g. "mutually" is not an adverb(?)
Fair enough! I see that such word placement doesn't fit grammatically. I've tweaked that now. I'll be more conscious of that going forward!

Thank you!
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  #19  
Old 09-16-2015, 05:40 PM
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UPDATE:

Chapter 3, titled 'Flight', has been posted!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11481298/3/Heart-of-Fire

Let me know what you guys think of it!

Oel ngati kameie!
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Last edited by ProfoundHeart; 09-16-2015 at 05:42 PM.
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  #20  
Old 09-19-2015, 08:08 AM
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Great to read more, and the cliffhanger at the end has me in anticipation of chapter four, but there's one thing I'm wondering for the sake of clarification:

Jake had been trying to keep up appearances with his human allies and friends...he couldn't help but feel somewhat negligent...

Is this what's been on Jake's mind that's been troubling him in the previous chapters?
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  #21  
Old 09-19-2015, 01:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Empty Glass View Post
Great to read more, and the cliffhanger at the end has me in anticipation of chapter four, but there's one thing I'm wondering for the sake of clarification:

Jake had been trying to keep up appearances with his human allies and friends...he couldn't help but feel somewhat negligent...

Is this what's been on Jake's mind that's been troubling him in the previous chapters?
That's partly it for sure, although it's broader than that!
Mo'at's dialogue also touched on what was troubling Jake in Chapter 2, but I have yet to expand on the focus of it just yet.

That will come to light more in further chapters; it's sort of an ongoing yet underlying theme at the moment!

I hope that sort of answers your question, Empty Glass.

And as always, irayo for your words!

Just knowing your reading along each time is a compliment in itself.

I'll be starting Chapter 4 soon. Shouldn't be too long!
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  #22  
Old 09-19-2015, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by ProfoundHeart View Post
That's partly it for sure, although it's broader than that!
Mo'at's dialogue also touched on what was troubling Jake in Chapter 2, but I have yet to expand on the focus of it just yet.

That will come to light more in further chapters; it's sort of an ongoing yet underlying theme at the moment!

I hope that sort of answers your question, Empty Glass.

And as always, irayo for your words!

Just knowing your reading along each time is a compliment in itself.

I'll be starting Chapter 4 soon. Shouldn't be too long!
Yes, that does answer my question, thanks! I'm just eager to find out I guess.
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