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Old 03-29-2010, 01:23 PM
Pamtseo Vitra
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Default [FANFIC-WIP] Rise Of The Phoenix.

This is my first attempt at writing a fanfic, so bear with me on this, it may also be a fairly long time between updates as I have a lot on my plate at the moment. Also, I have a vague idea of the story, but it's still pretty open ended in the grand scheme of things.

A further warning, this opening section is quite dark.

Constructive criticism is always welcome.

NOTE: snig gers is spelt wrong because of censorship issues.

Prologue

The year is 2148. In a world of endless concrete hulks, walls and barriers splashed with corporate propaganda and air too thick to breathe, a lone man is pulled violently from the back of an armoured truck. Hooded, with his wrists bound and his head hung low, his off-white facemask catches the washed-out sun. In an instant, flashbulbs and shouting erupt, a barrage of hundreds of questions hurled while a number of ‘civil peacekeepers’ do what their name suggests - mainly via the use of targeted blows to the unarmed and seemingly ravenous crowd. Of all the questions asked, only one was answered. The crowd fell deafly silent as they waited for the man to speak. He mumbled only two words.

“F*ck you.”

With that, the crowd exploded once again. Following the man, the deafening sound of a possible news story filling the smoggy air, they document as he is marched into a towering black and grey building. The crowd remains ravenous still, hungry for a story and their ‘big break’. They surge the civil peacekeepers demanding answers.

That’s when the shots were fired.

Chapter 1 – Life’s only funny when you think it is.

Phoenix was never an angry guy, if anything he was passive considering what he had been through. His father had died when he was young, about 12 or 13, which left only his mother to care for him. 3 years later, when she fell behind on the state fee, she too was wrenched callously away from him, thrown into prison for crimes against economy.

He had no one.

Luckily, if you can call it lucky, the state social services agreed to take him in. This was becoming increasingly unusual in this world, it was deemed “no longer economically viable” by the powers that be, powers that had long since forgotten the people they were supposedly governing. Phoenix was given a place in a mediocre state school, but it was hell. Having never been in the education system before, he was far behind even the lowest of pupils and for this, he was bullied.

This was of course not the only thing he was bullied for. His sharp jaw line, deep-set eyes, furrowed brow and premature beard did nothing to help his situation. He had always been a broad and tall person and he towered over those who caused him so much emotional pain. This was one feature he would one day exploit. He was bombarded with insults and mocking on a daily basis. Claims that he was poor, unwashed and useless.

It started as any normal Monday morning, the moment he walked into the school building, he was greeted with pointing and snigers. One young man, quite short in comparison with those who gathered around him, with slight features and blond, almost white hair shouted

“What’s wrong?! Daddy not there to dress you?” and to this he laughed, feeling big and important in his little world.

Phoenix said nothing, he simply kept his head down as best he could and kept walking to his class.

“Hey slumdog! I’m talking you, you dumba**!”.

He walked on still. The small man ran up to him, hitting Phoenix in the back of the head. It felt like a lack-lustre punch. Phoenix had bottled his feelings for the best part of 2 years now and he thought this was just another incident he could learn to deal with...

His fist said otherwise.

It found itself deep in the side of the small guy’s cheek, creating a recoil which made him stagger backwards. He stood, partly in awe of himself, partly in a sense of happiness. He was a propane tank ready to explode… and he had just lit a match.

Phoenix glanced over to the other guy, now stood with a dazed look on his face. He raised his fist and swung again. He landed a hit right on the bridge of his nose, blood now seeping from his left nostril. The force of the punch sent the slight figure of a man to the floor. Phoenix crouched over this small and seemingly insignificant being and rained down a hail of punches into his face. As he did so, Phoenix found himself at first smiling and then manically laughing as he pummelled his skull over and over again. It was like a monumental weight was coming off his shoulders, years of abuse from the world and the people around him finally coming back around. It felt good. He only stopped when he noticed the dark crimson blood oozing from the back of the guy’s head, staining his silvery hair and the lack of movement from his limp body.

While Phoenix took several steps back, looking confused and bewildered as to what had just happened, what he had just done, the group of people who had surrounded them once the fight had begun were noe split into two groups. One group tended to their injured, or more appropriately, dead friend and the others simply stared at Phoenix, some backing away hands held aloft.

Phoenix collapsed into a corner and cried hysterically, rocking back and forth, blood rapidly congealing on his face and the hands that were clasping it.

He instantly regretted what he had done.

***

As Phoenix was dragged out of the back of the truck, he was blinded. He dipped his hooded head to stifle the flashes. The paparazzi were hungry for no doubt what would be the story of the week, a story of how an 18-year-old man had beat a ‘classmate’ to death in the school’s corridors. He was hit by a wall of demands, only one of which he heard…

“Would you like to talk about colourful past Mr. Altman?!”

This created a violent and painful flashback to all that had come before him. He wished he could go back and do everything in his life thus far so very differently. Choking back tears of regret, he could mumble only one empty response.

“F*ck you”.

With this, he was forced inside the judiciary building, an imposing tower made of concrete and marble, designed to show both importance and to terrify those who entered. He was marched inside. He heard a number of what sounded like gunshots from outside the building, but wrenching his neck around to try and see the commotion only achieved a scolding from the officer who was apparently in charge.

“Sh*t boy, don’t you f*cken listen? Do as I f*cken say! No f*cken lookin’ around!” and he tapped his baton against his head just hard enough for Phoenix to understand what the action meant.

They marched for what seemed like an age through the lobby of the gigantic building until they reached the main desk. The building certainly achieved it's goals.

“Phoenix Altman, prisoner number 20381867X, up for the trial of the murder of Toby Steiner.” Exclaimed another enforcer in a bland and monotone voice, his large hands grasping Phoenix tightly by the scruff of neck. “Right this way officer.” Replied the receptionist.

He was led into a cavernous room, adorned with the flags of forgotten nations and pompous crests that promised “Fair judgement in the arm of the law”. A room that further pushed down on Phoenix, making him feel small and hopeless. He was sat down, his hood pulled back and was greeted by the cold eyes of the judge. The enforcers moved to the back of the room. There was no one there to control what sentence he received, he was not worth the money.

“Look Mr. Altman, I’m going to make this very, very simple for you.”
He paused, enjoying every single second of Phoenix’s awkward look.

“Yes sir?”

“You have two choices here today, you can either be executed by lethal injection tomorrow and I can bill what's feft of your family for the trouble, or you can enjoy 10 years of military service on the biggest hellhole in the known universe, all for the price of absolutely nothing... So which would you rather?” The judge questioned, a sly grin spreading across his face.

That was when Phoenix first joined the RDA.
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Old 03-29-2010, 03:29 PM
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I like this... Moar please
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Old 03-29-2010, 09:57 PM
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Hard story behind a great character with big potential; I want more too, please!
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Last edited by ZenitYerkes; 03-29-2010 at 10:02 PM.
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Old 03-29-2010, 11:57 PM
Pamtseo Vitra
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Both of you shall get your wishes, I just have to figure out where i'm taking this first...
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Old 03-30-2010, 01:02 PM
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I've never actually ever read fan-fic before, just starting with the ones on this forum. I must admit even though its not the normal type of writing I read, that I was caught up in the intensity of the plot unfolding and Phoenix's character establishment. I felt like I was right there in the story, very powerful writing. I delightfully watch for more~! (sheez, how can you tell I'm used to literary analysis)

I was just so moved, that i just wanted to take that poor boy Phoenix and just hug him, he just got straight to my heart. Thats what I mean when I say right there in the story.

Last edited by Seshat Tsahýk; 03-30-2010 at 01:32 PM.
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Old 03-30-2010, 02:25 PM
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Quote:
I've never actually ever read fan-fic before, just starting with the ones on this forum. I must admit even though its not the normal type of writing I read, that I was caught up in the intensity of the plot unfolding and Phoenix's character establishment. I felt like I was right there in the story, very powerful writing. I delightfully watch for more~! (sheez, how can you tell I'm used to literary analysis)

I was just so moved, that i just wanted to take that poor boy Phoenix and just hug him, he just got straight to my heart. Thats what I mean when I say right there in the story.
Hehe, you can tell you're no stranger to literary analysis.

I'm glad you felt that way while reading it, that's what I was aiming to achieve, to feel sorry for him, but also horrified at what he has done. I'm hoping to create a sense of immersion, but also allow the readers mind to comprise their own picture. I'm sure the imagery you have when you read it was completely different to mine...

I also aim for this to be quite an emotionally charged story, but I have no idea how long it will be. I guess i'll just have to play it as it comes.

Anyway, i'm rambling again... Thanks for the compliment and there will be plenty more on the way.
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Old 03-31-2010, 07:27 AM
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Moar.
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Old 04-12-2010, 01:13 AM
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I apologise greatly to anyone waiting for an update, I still haven't gotten around to writing the next part.

I promise there will be one soon.
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:17 PM
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Chapter 2 – An era begins.

Sorry for keeping everyone waiting so long, enjoy.

As Phoenix sat, covered by a medical robe, on the cold metallic table of the Final Medical Checking room being ‘tested’ by the barracks doctor, he thought back to what had been in the past 6 months.

His basic training was exactly what the name suggested. He was essentially given 3 things in that half year; a knowledge of how to strip and maintain a weapon, how to fire the weapon and a “Don’t stop firing until it’s dead” mentality.

The last one he had rejected.

What the military sector of the RDA saw people like Phoenix as were nothing more than expendable grunts or, even worse, drains on resources. They were the type of soldiers you could lose 20 of and it wouldn’t matter. Especially to those commanding they march to their imminent deaths. They were treated as such.

“What the hell do I see before me? Didn’t know they could cram do much dirt into a human shell. You hear me?! You. ARE. Dirt.”

“Yes sir!”

The flashback of Phoenix’s first day in the barracks were painful.

Over the past months, the RDA had tried it’s best to completely destroy the building of his mind and rebuild an army fortress on the foundations and while towers around him toppled, cold metal and re-enforced glass in their place, his stayed largely stood. Battered and crumbling from the wrecking balls, but it stood nonetheless.

“Open your mouth and cough please Altman…”
Phoenix complied. As always.

He surprised himself with the noise that emerged from his throat, a gutteral and hoarse noise that echoed around his hard, clinical surroundings. It was most likely cause by the men in the barracks. They smoked Toatris (just one in a myriad of contrabands from Pandora) almost every night, some to forget, some to remember, some just simply so they could feel something, anything…

The acidic air would fill the hut and they would sit and talk hours on end of Pandorian stories, friends who had come back with missing limbs, organs or in a box marked with a designation number.

They talked of Pvt. E. Johnson, who had “survived an attack from a mighty hulking creature with 3 foot long teeth which severed his right leg off clean from the hip down” and “that pussy kid from 13th Company who died from just one arrow to the shoulder”. To this they laughed, but it was not a laugh of frivolity, there was an underlying fear. Phoenix could hear it in their voices, see it in their faces. Fear to him was an all too close friend.

“Those lungs ain’t looking too good Phoenix, could develop into something nasty...”

He leaned in close to Phoenix’s ear, his eyes shifting nervously, hoping he would not be betrayed by the words he was about to speak.

“Look, i’m not supposed to give these to you grunts, but have them, they’ll clear the infection and they’ll be fine through the cryo process too...”

The doctor slipped him some pills and winked.

Dr. Demura had always been a good friend to phoenix during his short time in the RDA barracks, he had an uncanny ability to read people which Phoenix supposed made sense, him being the Medical officer as well as the Psychiatric doctor, a fact he often complained about. “Understaffed when they have this much cash to throw around...” He would exclaim angrily. The thought made Phoenix’s mouth turn up at the side.

The Doc had always been there to help him recover after another day of belittling and while the others saw their sessions with him as nothing more than a chore, Phoenix saw them as a gift. A chance to release everything he had inside him for the past 12 or more years and this led to a strong friendship, a friendship that Phoenix did not want to sever.

“Thanks doc, thanks for everything you’ve done for me…”

Replied Phoenix, pocketing the small container of pills.

“Well, that’s it. Were done. Your ECG looks pretty good, your motor and brain functions are excellent and your mental state is… uhh… “interesting”... but I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Patting Phoenix on his large shoulder, he said

“A perfect soldier Phoenix...”

He sighed and spoke more softly.

“A perfect soldier...”

His hand now rested on Phoenix’s shoulder lovingly, like a father and son that never were and Phoenix saw eyes that had sent a thousand or more men off without ever seeing them again. The moment seemed to last an age, as if no one, not even time wanted to disrupt the poigniancy.

Until finally...

“Hey Phoenix, we gotta be in briefing in like 15 minutes, cryo in 30... shift your a** man!”

Orion burst through the door.

A slight but really quite tall man, he had lightning blue eyes and dirty shoulder-length blond hair. Neither of which complimented his dark bushy eyebrows and gaunt face Phoenix decided.

Orion had been a street urchin like Phoenix. He was picked up by Civil Protection when he was 21 after torching a police squad car, killing an officer that was inside. Being a person deemed of no real value to society, he too was offered the same fate as Phoenix. Either be killed by the state on a chair that lingered with the sweat of the last victim or live a few more days to be brutalised by savages on a planet light-years away from his troubles. Naturally, he picked the latter.

They had become friends quickly, despite the age difference. Both being of the same background, they had much to talk about but while Phoenix had managed to keep his personality, he had seen Orion change much from their first days to now. Although his childlike mindset was something he could never lose.

“C’mon we gotta get going!”

He hastily added, jumping up and down ever so slightly.

“All right, all right, calm down... jeez.”

Replied Phoenix.

Phoenix went behind the medical screen and changed out of the medical robe and back into his standard issue uniform. Stepping back out from behind the screen, he lifted his arms;

“What do you think, does the colour suit me?”

He asked, knowing it would only wind Orion up further.

“Stop dicking around and let’s get going!

Orion exclaimed, the anger and frustration in his voice obvious. Something that Phoenix found funny. Mission accomplished.

He rolled his eyes and walked back towards the clinic’s door, but he was stopped by the Doc’s hand on his chest.

“Phoenix... Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

***

Briefing lasted 30 agonising minutes although in fact the premise was simple; clear the area, search and destroy – some will live some won’t. The plan seemed perfect in theory but Phoenix thought it was a lot harder than they were making out... The military had a knack for making things sound easy with flowery language and diagrams.

After briefing had finished, they were all handed their ‘Cryo-Chamber Designations’ and Phoenix was surprised to find he was only 2 chambers away from Orion, a fact the man simply could not let go ignored.

“Hey man, i’m next to you!”

He exclaimed happily.

“Actually, 2 down from me, Orion...”

“Oh come on, now you’re just splitting hairs.”

He muttered under his breath.

Phoenix could not help but think that although he was heading to what was considered the single worst place in the galaxy for a period of forced military service, Orion was completely happy about it simply because he was near a friend on the 6 year journey. Phoenix was unsure whether to be worried or gratified.

As they walked through the cavernous military installation they saw AMP suits and their weapons all lined up for inspection by the hundreds An army of steel, oil and gunpowder. Phoenix glanced over to Orion who was walking beside him neck craned upwards gawping at the huge machines, which made Phoenix smile. Orion was definitely still a child at heart.

Finally, after a good 10 minute walk, they arrived at the Cryo-Chamber section, after passing through an airlock they could see lines of white pods stretched far into the distance in front of them. After giving their respective names, ranks and numbers, they were ushered over to their individual chambers and turned to face each other.

“Uhh...”

Said Orion rubbing the back of his neck and smiling,

“See you on the other side?”

“Yeah I guess...”

Replied Phoenix reservedly.

They shook hands and smiled to each other. Nothing else was said. It didn’t need to be.

Phoenix climbed inside the white pod and tried to get comfortable. The pod was a little too small for him, forcing him to bend his knees very slightly which made him laugh, despite being the position he would be in for the next 5 and half years. A thought that soon changed his mind about laughing.

He lay looking at the blank ceiling of the pod and thinking to himself.

He had gone from a nobody on the street, a ‘victim’ of the system to a murderous schoolboy to a hardened military tool in just a few years. Going to Pandora had been his only way to die, or rather, live and he took it with no hesitation. Would it have been easier just to have taken the other route? Is Pandora really as bad as he had heard? So many questions the answers to which he would be finding out in, what would be to him, just a few short minutes.

He had time to utter just a few words.

“Next stop, Pandora.”

The temperature fell sharply...

And then there was darkness.
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Last edited by Fkeu'itan; 04-14-2010 at 09:25 PM.
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Old 04-15-2010, 04:39 AM
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I like it

I hope the next chapter doesn't take so long...
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Old 04-15-2010, 06:32 PM
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Can't wait for the next chapter, the story looks great so far.
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Old 04-17-2010, 12:46 AM
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Thanks both and I will try as hard as I can to get another part written as soon as possible...
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Old 04-25-2010, 03:26 PM
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Ok, fairly long chapter coming up... Hope you enjoy it though.

Chapter 3 – Arrival

Phoenix’s eyes snapped open.

He found himself once again looking at the ceiling of the cryo chamber just as he had been before his world went cold and dark. But this time it seemed different, as if it were blurred, further away. Every tiny movement was laborious. His entire body, aching and shaking profusely - attempting to reject the truth – it had been 6 years and 4.4 light years. In his moment of complete disarray, he thought he heard someone, or rather, something ask

“His arrival...?”

The words echoed for what seemed an eternity inside the confines of his fragmented mind, plaguing him with questions, interpretations, thoughts, feelings... until abruptly, everything stopped. Instead replaced by a millisecond of complete clarity. He knew what he was here for, he knew what he had to do. He knew his destiny. He saw it all pass before his very eyes. Eyes far too slow to process and commit to memory.

And as soon as it had begun, it was over.

He lay there, astonished at what had just happened. It was all so vivid, yet so vague.

Phoenix’s thoughts were rudely interrupted by the sharp mechanical hiss of the chamber’s door depressurising and the straps that held him to the floor of the pod releasing with a harsh snap. He floated gently off the padding. It was quickly followed by a familiar sound.

“Altman. Phoenix. Designation 5th corporation. General ground.”

“Sir, yes sir.”

Phoenix’s voice was hoarse, his mouth dry. Either the cryo had done this to him, or whatever he had caught 6 years ago had taken its toll.

“Get your ass outta that chamber, grunt. You’re due for shuttle transport in 30 minutes.”

This sound was not so familiar to Phoenix. His tone was formal, far different to the barked and emotionless orders he had become accustomed to. This voice sounded tired and blasÚ.

“Oh and don’t call me ‘sir’... It makes you sound like a tw*t.”

“Uhh, OK?”

Phoenix replied tentatively as the lieutenant drifted away, another mechanical hiss signalling another awakening.

Phoenix pulled out the pills from his pocket. The date on the plastic bottle proclaimed their use date was far in the past but still he removed one, being careful not to let them drift away, and swallowed it, feeling it travelling down his throat with a sharp pain.
He began to move, his joints and muscles stiff from being in the same position for so long and it caused him to flinch with pain briefly. He put all his effort into hoisting himself out of the chamber, what he saw shocking him.

Hundreds of rows of cryo chambers lined the walls of the huge hexagonal hall he had emerged into, endless lines of white eggs waiting to hatch their grubs. A hive of pipes and structures.

His locker was directly opposite. In it he found a pair of boots, a survival guide and plastic package containing a brand new uniform which was in its entirety except for one missing sock.

Phoenix sighed and muttered to himself

“It’s going to be one of those days isn’t it?”

He grabbed the pack and his boots. Glancing back to ensure everything had been picked up. He just about noticed a small piece of paper that had been wedged deep in the back of the locker. He freed it and proceeded to read;

“Is it true?
Really here?
Now?
At this moment?
Fate.”

Phoenix stared at this note partially puzzled by its existence, partially concerned by the message it seemed to hold. One side of him said this was more than just coincidence, that he was meant to find this note in some way, for some reason.
The other, more dominant side simply chalking it up to a joke Orion had played on him. He decided that it was the latter, but still stuffed the note into his chest pocket. The locker door slammed shut with a metallic clang, echoing around the vast gallery.

Phoenix looked over to the hallway that led to the shuttle’s docking bay, took a deep breath and moved towards it.

***

The interior of the shuttle was vastly different to the cavernous and clinical feel of the main hall. This place was far more sinister, the walls bearing their exposed wiring and grey metal. Constraints and harnesses graced virtually every surface and there was masks dangling ominously in front of them. He was in the belly of the beast.

Phoenix shifted nervously in his seat. The straps held him in place securely but he could not help but wonder what good straps were when you are crashing into the floor at 700 miles per hour. Something just felt wrong about falling out of the sky, no matter how controlled it supposedly was.

While he sat worried and concerned, others around him were chatting talking to one another, some shouting and joking, others just plain asleep. He looked for something to take his mind off what was about to happen, but he could not, the threat of closure still nagging his mind. He clenched his eyelids shut hard, waiting for the enevitable.

It happened.

Just as all had been quiet before, there was an eruption of sound as a deafening boom pierced his eardrums. This led to a jeer from the rabble but Phoenix still remained silent, his palms sweating. The cabin shook violently, jolting him in all directions, the ghostly masks swinging in front of him... taunting. He fused his eyes shut once more as there was a rumbling that seemed to come from the depths of Pandora itself, as if she were fighting as hard as she could to stop the entry of these aliens to her surface. Finally, there was an almighty finale, a monumental blast as the craft reversed engines and roared down to cruising speed.

And then it was over.

The shaking stopped, the rumbling ceased. Now there was only a high-pitched squeal from the engines of the shuttle chewing up the atmosphere, propelling them forward.

“How did you enjoy today’s re-entry ladies?”

Questioned a tall and broad lieutenant, his rank stars glinting in the artificial light

“oorah!”

Most replied in unison.

“Alright kids! Let’s get those restraints undone and those masks on! ETA 3 minutes!”

The restraints automatically released themselves. The masks that once haunted Phoenix were now his only protection against the Pandorian atmosphere. He hesitated.

“Remember people, without those masks, we’re going to be picking up your blue face off the floor in less time than it takes to boil an egg. And what’s an egg without the soldiers hmm?”

He chuckled to himself over his grim joke, Phoenix couldn’t see the humour.
He placed the mask over his face and pressurised it. It made him feel slightly light-headed, the atmosphere of the shuttle being processed through the mask’s respirator. The eerie voice returned to him again.

“As you were...”
“Reborn.”

The words reverberated in his mind once again. Phoenix clutched his head and leant forward, the light-headedness getting more intense, a sudden twinge in his head crippling him. A fellow soldier sat next to him slapped him on the back.

“You alright buddy?”

“Yeah... yeah i’m ok”

Phoenix just about managed to utter in return.

“Just feeling a little... weird that’s all.”

“Heh”

He remarked

“Don’t worry, you get used to it. Trust me man, I know.”

And he twice patted his left leg which appeared not to be human.

“Lost this baby on my second rotation out here, damn trap took her clean off. What a sonofabitch kinda day that was. How many rotations you on man?”

“First time.”

Phoenix said, feeling increasingly queasy.

“Hahaha, well enjoy your stay man, ‘cos it might be your last...”

The man laughed at this as if it were the funniest thing in the world.

“ETA less than 1 minute, prepare for landing.”

A voice over the intercom informed.

“You heard him people! Let’s move!”

Phoenix sat up still dizzy, and put his harnesses on once again. The craft once again begin to roar and shudder once again, the engines reversing to bring it down to landing speed.
Although this experience was far worse than the one that had preceeded it as Phoenix knew this was more than just landing, this was setting foot on a planet millions of miles from home. A chance at a new start in a new place, a chance at a better life.
There was one final jolt and a large mechanical clunk. Then the movement stopped.

“Touchdown! The eagle has landed! and all that sh*t.”
“Cleared for exit?”

The lieutenant shouted to the pilot.

“Yeah, let ‘em all out.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the worst place this side of the Galaxy.”

The ramp at the other end of the shuttle crept open slowly, tantalisingly. Bright sunlight shot straight through the ever increasing gap, bathing the shuttle’s hold in light, the Pandorian atmosphere not far behind it, lazily flowing through, gradually filling the hold with its toxins.

“Welcome...”

“To Pandora”
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  #14  
Old 04-25-2010, 03:41 PM
ZenitYerkes's Avatar
Karyu
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Good work. Very good indeed; I am proud of you Fkeu'itan *sniff*

It's really a very good fanfic, can't wait for the next chapter!
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  #15  
Old 04-25-2010, 03:50 PM
Pamtseo Vitra
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Awww, thanks Zenit. I'm glad you're enjoying it and now that Phoenix finally got to Pandora, now the real 'fun' can begin.
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