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Old 04-27-2010, 06:10 AM
‘Eylan
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Default Lamest qq rant ever.

Hello, my Family, my Friends

Today was an odd day. I had the intention of spending my one day off peacefully - go to the little forest I enjoy so much, scrunch my bare feet into the earth and have a little calm time. Oooh isn't life funny how it does and doesn't work out sometimes.
Instead, I ended up in a bit of conflict with someone. I knew it would happen at some point today, just not when. I did manage to get to the little forest, but did know that I would not be having much calm time there. So I sat and jotted a few notes down - to you guys. I wanted to post the letter here because you need to know you all helped me get through something without actually doing anything then and there

"My dear friends,

I write this to you in quite a state. Well, in... confusion? No. I write this with difficulty. How blessed am I that I have you all to rely on. To hear my thoughts without prejudice (I hope).
I'm afraid I have a hard time letting go. Right now it's a person in particular who keeps hurting, keeps hurting me. Yet I've kept him in my life for a stupid reason that I can't even identify.
Wow... the rain is really pouring on me (literally).

For the past four months I've been tossing up whether to keep this person in my life or not - as friends, as acquaintances, as whatever - to just keep the peace, and avoid the heartache of shutting someone out of my life completely. It's been a constant emotional struggle. Today I waited all day to hear from him as he said we'd 'hang out'... try and talk over some of our issues so that we can could carry on in whatever way in peace.
I waited, I waited, I waited. 11AM passed... I texted, reminding him we'd set today aside. He told me he was busy just then but would call me soon. Lunchtime, then 1PM passed...2PM... 3PM!! And now, here I am. Again feeling hopeless. It's a typical story. He missed my graduation (after promising to be there). He never turned up when I really needed his help building a new aviary for my birds because they needed to be moved from their old house. Same old story. When I've been depressed I've tried my luck - told him that I'm in need of a shoulder to cry on. But I have to fight, and beg him to even give me a few minutes of his time.
I know, it sounds so pathetic. And it really is. But we were together about a year and a half (my longest relationship). It pains me knowing how unimportant I've suddenly become. Please don't get me wrong. I have zero romantic feelings for this person whatsoever. I just thought that after everything, I could count on him. That was the biggest lie I've told myself for so long, though.

Ah, ow, pain. And today I find out that he's been with his other ex gf - one he broke up with me because of. I don't see eye to eye with her. She convinced him that I'm soulless and selfish and only out to destroy people. That hurt me a lot, and I don't believe it. I have a big heart. One of the biggest I know of irl. In fact, what she said is utter bull****, really. I think you guys would agree. And you know me, you know my heart - I'm constantly speaking from it here. Could you imagine me being selfish!!? Perhaps the only selfish thing I do is reach out to people when I'm feeling depressed. But is that really selfish? Anyway, he took her word for it over what he knew to be true, and that hurt even more.
Ack, he's on his way here right now.
I have no idea what's about to happen, or what I'm going to say. Give me strength...

**

I still don't know what to say. I've seen him, I'm in his car (he's getting something from his parent's house), and I need to think about what you guys would tell me to do. Well, most of you would not *tell* me to do anything, so to speak. You would advise me, though. I'm pretty sure I know what you'd advise me to do Just before, I said some good things, fair and true things to him. I'm proud for that. But I also - typical me - fell apart. I need to realise that this is like someone trying to convince Mum to stop smoking - she's not going to do so unless she herself wants to. This whole thing of trying to make this guy understand how the cruddy treatment is not ok, is a lost cause. He's not going to understand things unless he wants to. What am I even doing...? Why do I even care...? I don't need this person in my life. What's the point in keeping in touch with someone who is just a black cloud...? Why do I feel this need to hang on...? I know what I need to say. It's simple... why am I so torn? Ye gods I'm gonna need some massive Na'vi hugs when I get back. This rain's not helping! Although it is kinda fun. I'm soaked through my dress - under the two jackets I brought along!! I look like I've been swimming, lol.
Am I stupid, pinning my hope and strength on people I've never before met?
No.
Here he comes.. this is it!"

**

And I'm back. Back home, and back *Home*, to here. It was hilarious - while talking to him I had the Avatar soundtrack playing through one headphone, and 'War' came on when he turned up. Made me laugh. Made me realise that I'll be okay, and I do have people I can turn to when I'm in need. Ugh, hugs really go such a long way with me, but I'm unimaginably appreciative that at least I have you guys here to fall back on. Sorry I fall back on you so often Don't know what's wrong with me.
Anyway. I'm somewhat sad-ish now. We talked to and fro, him blaming me a lot, me getting more and more upset until I finally realised that there was absolutely no point. I actually laughed out loud, said, "Man, I'm kidding myself! Things will never be right!" and just left.

Hmm. But yeah, feeling pretty down. I'm good at shutting people out of my life, unfortunately, but I guess it will take some time to be truly okay with it. I'll still check my phone at stupidly short intervals to see if there's a "I'm so sorry for everything!" text there, and I'll feel a slight pang of hurt when I find that there isn't. But I know it will get better. I guess there's a kind of grieving process to go through. I don't want that to sound silly - it's just processing all the hurt and coming to terms with everything. I'm just so, so glad that I'll be leaving this place (erm, my hometown, not *this* ToS place!!) on the 24th of June for a few months...
And I'm so, so glad and so, SO lucky to have found this amazing community who put up with my nonsense way more than they should.

Sorry, to anyone who has read my ridiculous rant.

But thank you.

Hmm. Sammy's in need of some hugs.

Thanks guys. Love you all. See you all. With you all.
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Old 04-27-2010, 06:38 AM
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Tsahik
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*hugs* Love you too ma tsmuke.

I didn't have time to read all of it, but I will in a few minutes but don't be sorry, sometimes you need to get things off your chest, and thats completely understandable.

I'll read it all and reply, but more hugs *hug*
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Old 04-27-2010, 06:44 AM
‘Eylan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stanley_9875 View Post
*hugs* Love you too ma tsmuke.

I didn't have time to read all of it, but I will in a few minutes but don't be sorry, sometimes you need to get things off your chest, and thats completely understandable.

I'll read it all and reply, but more hugs *hug*
Thanks. It's freaking long and doesn't say much. Just needed to know someone was there, somewhat. Thanks for the hugs. Thanks. *hughughughughug* Just needed to feel like I'm not *completely* alone and not *completely* unimportant to everyone in the world. Heh.
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Old 04-27-2010, 06:59 AM
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Well after reading that you do need a *hug* and another *hug*.

I think you know what to do, you just need the strength to do it. Please know that with this place you are not alone. I think you will find all the support you might need right here.
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Old 04-27-2010, 07:10 AM
‘Eylan
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*cry* thank yoou Txen
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Old 04-27-2010, 07:57 AM
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I really don't understand people that treat others like that, I really don't. I treat random people better than that. I know it's hard with a person you have history with though, I think everyone has had a situation or two like this before.

Well, you can have another virtual ToS hug from me. What a unique little place we have here
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Old 04-27-2010, 08:53 AM
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If you lived in Hamilton as well I would be happy to call you regularly and go out for lunch and what not. It's a shame we're so close yet so far away. If you need anything at all just ask me. I'm, quite happy being that shoulder to cry on.

Damn it, some woman are pricks, but you are probably the nicest female I've ever encountered. I'm not kidding anyone with that statement.
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Old 04-27-2010, 09:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spock View Post
If you lived in Hamilton as well I would be happy to call you regularly and go out for lunch and what not. It's a shame we're so close yet so far away. If you need anything at all just ask me. I'm, quite happy being that shoulder to cry on.

Damn it, some woman are pricks, but you are probably the nicest female I've ever encountered. I'm not kidding anyone with that statement.

ah alas Autumn, If you were closr to Methven I would not mind being your shoulder to cry on, it would be great to meet another ToS member, but as Spock said, we are so close yet so far away!
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Old 04-27-2010, 09:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rabbit View Post
ah alas Autumn, If you were closr to Methven I would not mind being your shoulder to cry on, it would be great to meet another ToS member, but as Spock said, we are so close yet so far away!
That's in the south island isn't it? They had the plougher champs there?
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Old 04-27-2010, 09:16 AM
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Yeap its at the bottom of Mount Hutt, about an hour south of Christchurch, and yes the plough champs were here lol its about the most exciting thing that happens here, apart from the ski season lol
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Tane-Mahuta (God of The Forest)

Namaste -- "the Divinity within me perceives and adores the Divinity within you."

"Kia Hora te Marino Kia Whakapapa Pounamu te Moana Kia tere te Karohirori I Mua to Huarahi

May the calm be widespread May the sea glisten like that of greenstone May the shimmering light guide you on your journey"
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  #11  
Old 04-27-2010, 09:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rabbit View Post
Yeap its at the bottom of Mount Hutt, about an hour south of Christchurch, and yes the plough champs were here lol its about the most exciting thing that happens here, apart from the ski season lol
Ah, I thought as much, thankyou for clarifying.
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Old 04-27-2010, 09:49 AM
‘Eylan
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Thank you... so much guys. Stoopid big world
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Old 04-27-2010, 09:55 AM
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Autumn, all I can do after reading that is give you the *biggest Na'vi hug I can*...

I truly cannot believe how some people can be so callous, so blind to the pain they are causing others, but unfortunately, that is just life.

Stay strong ma tsmuke, my soul goes out to you.
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Old 04-27-2010, 02:56 PM
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aww *hugs*

If he treats you like that all the time though, he is scum (IMHO) because guys like that don't Deserve the air they breathe. my heart is with you, stay strong!

(on a side note, ive done this before, gone off and written all my thoughts down.. i never had the courage to share it though, so kudos to you)
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Old 04-27-2010, 03:27 PM
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You need to let him go,if he has no feelings for you why should you have them for him? Im going to be brutally honest, its time to move on, you dont need an a$$hole like that dragging you down. It wont be easy but just imagine the happiness you will have after its all said and done.
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