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Old 04-28-2010, 07:36 AM
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Default In need of thought and understanding: Life's screenplay

Living my life......



-


I hear that alot, from old people and unforunate people alike.

I never really got exactly what it meant. It makes complete and total sense to the person who has had something dreadful happen to them; they can understand and reflect upon that horrifying moment and know that if they see the past instead of their future, the life they should be living will slip them by.


Where is the time in our lives to enjoy what we have?: Life

Why is it that we must work unorder to know happiness and freedom? These are questions I have lived with and have answered, but having an answer hasn't laid them down to rest. Instead, they haunt me like the Tall-Tale Heart. They are buried under the wooden plank floor. I hear my memories, I hear my voices, I hear the things I regretted doing and the moments I have savored in timelessness. It's getting louder, and it isn't getting any quieter. This... this is the past heeding a calling; my past is collecting into a single memory and is trapping me in the moment. It's enough to make you convinced that your doing something wrong, but what? I feel like my efforts in improving myself are only hurting me, which I know logically doesn't make sense. The point of improving yourself is to make your life and your mind improved from it's previous state; your a better person.

Work, ladies and gentlemen, is the foundation of civilization. And is essential if one wants to live, and maybe even comfortably. However work has consumed the human race because civilization has spanned throughout this world; there is no place for me to go other than my imagination to truly know where I belong. Although work is the groundwork for civilization, it goes both ways, inside and out of the civilized, physical world. Part of my dedication in improving myself is to talk to people better, and how to sooth the ladies instead of intimidate them when I want to go out with'em (everyone wants a good time, it's all a matter of trust). The work involved is tricky and the long-term meditation will test your ethics and your personality to it's limits for spans lasting as long as 3 years. Work has saved me from my social disorder and helped me overcome my birth defects; as a result, I feel rather powerful. My hard work is only beginning however, I got dreams to catch but why can't I feel any different? What has this work done to me? Work, I realized..... it does not offer the freedom we seek, it is beyond this world where freedom lies. It is no crime to try to reach it through physical actions though. This is why I work hard, this is what keeps me going deep down. To fully understand what I'm trying to get at, I will reveal how I go to my world.

When the business of the day is done, and obligations take foot for you to do, you need to find yourself. If you've been working for a long time, and can only obtain peace through hope, you need a symbol of some kind. I come home from school, settle, and spread out my homework and study materials. On most days, I will not even think about peace and freedom and just dive into my homework so I can have some spare time to claim. On days where things are bad, I get calls constantly about bad news, and something reminds me of my beloved Clowie, I am crippled and unable to work on anything. I look outside my window in these times, and see the tree I grew up seeing grow. This tree is casts the perfect silhouette every night with a street light shinning through it's leaves (or twigs). This tree, it's a gateway. I stare at it for a good 3 minutes, and I'm out. I lost control of my own body and plunge into this world. I enter the world and stand beside a park bench under a tree, overlooking a near-sunset over an ocean off in the distance, with rolling hills on my sides boarded by forests, creating a straight view aiming at the sun's place in the low sky. It is here I find my peace, and when freedom comes, I talk with someone from my desires. They sit on the park bench with me, and I never see them coming towards the bench but they always come from behind me. I have talked with Neytiri several times, and imaginary warriors who fought for a cause who had families, I talked to the gods, Sherlock Holmes was an interesting conversation, and I even talked to assassins. All of these idols remind me of my virtues, who I am, and what I'm fighting for: my other me.

Work and relationships go hand in hand, and my tree gives me some freedom, but I think love is what's missing from the picture. I attract all the wrong kinds of girls, and I find that when I talked to different-decent women, I find myself getting into an awkward situation. It's all under development and I need to test different areas and fields of recreation to find someone who has similar values as I do (which makes up an interesting relationship, one that can last). Than again, like work, love has two sides. It is the ultimate force of human kind and it can bring the worst benefit and greatest reward; I do not wish catastrophe for my mental well-being, but I suppose it's a risk I need to take if one wants the ultimate prize.



I want to live my life, but work is the journey in-between. What can make this ride through life memorable?
2hr 21m, this is very important to me
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Cameron may have born Pandora, but living there must be made by your own hands. I have made Pandora with my hands, with color, oil, paint, and pencil.

Like Pandora, it was hard work. Apply it to anything, you'll see the most complex of dreams come to life.
[Away from my Pizza Rolls! nehahhh!!]

My hand-drawn Neytiri
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Old 04-28-2010, 11:38 AM
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I know what you mean, I think...

To me, work is a problem. People are enslaved by it, spending all their lives pointlessly for a piece of paper... why?

I'm still finding myself... your tree sounds amazing, I wish I had anything like that...

Quote:
I never really got exactly what it meant. It makes complete and total sense to the person who has had something dreadful happen to them; they can understand and reflect upon that horrifying moment and know that if they see the past instead of their future, the life they should be living will slip them by.
I feel like that some days... It's like I don't know why, what to do
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Old 04-28-2010, 07:55 PM
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Wow Apollo, that is incredible... thank you for taking the time to write this. I am 50/50 on the whole work thing... where I work at now, all I do is a slow process of scanning paperwork, and it hurts me to see myself sitting at this pathetic desk; click, type, scan, wait, repeat process. I just feel like I'm wasting my life sitting here (its only for 4 hours a day, so it could be worse) for a small weekly paycheck feeling underappreciated by my boss... I just don't feel like I'm using my full potential here, like I'm capable of so much more, but I just can't find it because getting another job here is hard. But the upside is that I'm almost done with my auto technician school, I'll be finished in August, then after that I can get a job doing what I love to do; working on cars. Being able to be up and doing something and using my abilitities to help people instead of sitting behind a computer screen all day. Work also helps you achive what you want to be, what you want to do. If you have a hobby like I do, like working on cars, being a DJ, wanting to make music, maybe get back into making movies again... I don't do those hobbies just for the enjoyment of it, I do it to help other people have fun, and be entertained (except for the car, thats mostly my pleasure) but being a DJ, it makes my night, even my week to watch people on a friday or saturday night just dancing to the beat of the music that I play, to be entertained and have fun with friends and strangers, enjoy the night. But also... special paper... it promotes greed and selfishness... if you don't know how to control yourself with it. I need to come back to this later tonight, I'm almost done with work then going to college (which I enjoy very much). Thank you for this Apollo, I'm even printing this out to add to my Avatar folder (i don't think a lot of you know how many of your inspiring words I quote you in and add you to my Avatar folder ) danget sorry I started going off of my own examples again I apologize

Wonderful words Apollo... and i love your descriptiveness of your escape with your tree
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Old 04-28-2010, 09:19 PM
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Another vote for an incredible post.

The unfortunate reality is that you have to do something to live in this world. You need to eat and have shelter. It's generally done by literally trading hours of your life for those pieces of paper called money. I don't even get to see the paper most of the time. It's just bits in a computer.

I get to use my brain in my work which makes it a bit more tolerable because I do get to create things and solve difficult problems. It comes with a good deal of stress, but unlike most I do better with some in my life. The worst it the 10 or even 12 hours a day that it takes at times.

One thing I have observed in my years is those with a purpose in life are almost unshakable by life's tests and trials.
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Old 04-28-2010, 09:33 PM
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Apollo, thank you for sharing this wonderful post. I agree that many of us have become wage slaves with the same routine every day. The job I am in is probably the first one that I have truly enjoyed. I love books and I love the academic environment so working in a university library is a very good fit for me. The drawback of course is that I can't be considered a full time employee even though I work almost 40 hours a week because of the cutbacks in pay and the lack of full time positions available. As a result, I am not able to bring in as much money as I would like to. In spite of that, I have been able to contribute to the household in many ways.

In order to survive in this society, one must work to pay bills, etc but it shouldn't consume us and that is the problem. Work consumes our who lives. This was always the case though. Humans have always worked their entire lives, from sun up to sun down.

However, i agree that we have become wage slaves; scanning and printing stuff from a computer, pencil pushing, taking endless phone calls, etc. Very boring and monotonous work. To often we are judged by what we are employed doing. I'm sure many of you have heard this little bit of conversation:

"hello, my name is Rapunzel."
"Hello Rapunzel, what do you do for a living?"

This is the sort of small talk that starts out an aquaintance. Instead of inquiring after family or interests, beliefs, hobbies, etc most people ask what it is that you "do", aka..job. Then, once you answer, you are immediately judged by that or by the school you went to, etc. This is a product of our materialist society that only sees humans as cogs for a machine instead of real people.

Unfortunately, this is the world that we live in. In order for us to do the things that we want to do, we have to have money to do it. I need money for more paper and ink/pens, etc for when I write. My husband needs batteries for his recording equipment, new strings for his guitars/banjo/mandolin, etc. I know that some of you on here need money for some of your hobbies and jobs that you do. So, it is a bane of everyone's existence but you have to have it .

In order to find purpose in life, one must look to the spiritual/emotional, etc side of things. You will never find it in materialism and money. Money is here one day and gone the next. All material possessions will do that but love, honor, friendship, truth, loyalty, etc will not fade away. Those are the things that one must cultivate.
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Old 04-29-2010, 04:58 AM
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Agreed Rapunzel... well said. Jobs that totally take over peoples lives make me sad... you see it happen all too often. Movies where the guy is rich but he's constantly at the office or on call to go someplace and stay there for days on end, hardly seeing his wife and/or kids... but hey, he's got a grip of money right? Which is why I like the job in the auto technician field... I can work on cars, something I love to do, earn good money for it to live comfortably, and have good hours (could be anywhere from 8-10 hours a day, depends on the day), and then afterward I can hang out with my friends, BBQ, be with my (future) lifemate, do my hobbies, do things I want to do, without my job consuming my life.

And the unfortunate truth is, you pretty much have to have a job to get through in this world; bills, taxes, food, shelter, ect. ect.
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Old 04-29-2010, 08:17 AM
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I've always had this struggle with myself as well. Folk who know what they want out of their lives tell you: "Go to school for something you'll enjoy." This frustrates me.

I love drawing but can't do it often because of the limitations of school and the low yielding but constant contracts for my photoshop work. I want my drawing to be my life but it's hard picking up a pencil when their are so many other things that need doing, and how that pencil can crawl over those problems and after an inch of lead wasted you cleared one problem amongst so many. I want to go to school,.. when money isn't an issue.

This maybe far fetched and almost impossible to comprehend, but I think I need to be in a hit movie, an innovator in something everyone wants (ex. ShamWoW), or a person who won the lottery to afford what I have planned for my future. However my current state of mind is telling me that if I get a degree in something now, I can use the job with the degree to help pay the bills off of that education, and save up large chunks of my floating cash for the classes I want to take later in the future. I am compelled to relate myself to those people who have succeeded at such a young age and seeing that they took a make-or-break chance at a big loan to go ahead with these endeavors; how did they know what they were working on was going to pay it all back and maybe much more? Maybe they didn't, but their investments certainly did correct their monetary balance. I need this scale of money to do the things that I want to do, things that prohibit me because of high cost.

I can live on a low budget though, but for the things I want to do, a big bill fold is the only road block. Loans are bad business if you don't know how to pay them back, perhaps getting loans when I get the job with my degree comes into being I can afford the charges. Setting all of this to the side however, I can keep fighting the good fight and squeeze drawing in once or twice between all of this chaotic order called school. I can only wonder how a real job feels like, where you don't go to school but to the workplace everyday, I hear it's quite the experience. I've been doing jobs under the table all my life and it's paid off so far. With enough practice and drive, I think I might not need the school courses as I will learn everytime on my own time during this exhausting wait for my Bachelor's Degree.

What do you guys do to entertain yourself while working? Like to keep you sane while performing insane work.
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Cameron may have born Pandora, but living there must be made by your own hands. I have made Pandora with my hands, with color, oil, paint, and pencil.

Like Pandora, it was hard work. Apply it to anything, you'll see the most complex of dreams come to life.
[Away from my Pizza Rolls! nehahhh!!]

My hand-drawn Neytiri
Silronsan Taronyu (Clever Hunter)

Last edited by Apollo; 04-29-2010 at 08:29 AM.
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Old 04-29-2010, 03:42 PM
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I listen to music... music is a huge part of my life...

Like what kind of stuff do you do?
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Old 04-29-2010, 04:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Apollo View Post

What do you guys do to entertain yourself while working? Like to keep you sane while performing insane work.
I doing it right now. I carve out a few minutes here and there. My work is also "insane" but likely not in the way you were meaning.
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Old 04-29-2010, 04:15 PM
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I listen to music too, except it's all unorganized and it's all over lol. Organizing it is a rather big pain. Me and my brother have an FTP server so we can both organize music and send massive files to eachother over the internet (he doesn't know how to set up a torrent, so we need to get the files the hard way). Music can be.. satisfying, but I do find it difficult to enjoy one kind of music for a long time. For instance, I got loads upon loads of scores from movies. I have about 55 scores that are organized in my ipod at the moment, and I got about 60 more that need organizing on my computer. It's a whole-day project, something I need to plan for.

Now that you mention it, I could dedicate a day to doing this soon. Today, I need to study for 2 exams coming this week and an exam two weeks from now. Next week sounds perfect for some errands.
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Cameron may have born Pandora, but living there must be made by your own hands. I have made Pandora with my hands, with color, oil, paint, and pencil.

Like Pandora, it was hard work. Apply it to anything, you'll see the most complex of dreams come to life.
[Away from my Pizza Rolls! nehahhh!!]

My hand-drawn Neytiri
Silronsan Taronyu (Clever Hunter)
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Old 04-29-2010, 04:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by txen View Post
I doing it right now. I carve out a few minutes here and there. My work is also "insane" but likely not in the way you were meaning.

When I'm making posters and menus, I just want to rip my hair out because the contractor thinks it's either 'too extreme' or 'too simple' after making 3 or 4 different styles. I haven't found a way around that yet. I was thinking templates for my designs so customers can see what kind of work I do, instead of just presenting them my portfolio and seeing what they think of it.

Hope none of that was jargon, I simply would like to increase my productivity. Less time on work, more time for my hobbies.
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Cameron may have born Pandora, but living there must be made by your own hands. I have made Pandora with my hands, with color, oil, paint, and pencil.

Like Pandora, it was hard work. Apply it to anything, you'll see the most complex of dreams come to life.
[Away from my Pizza Rolls! nehahhh!!]

My hand-drawn Neytiri
Silronsan Taronyu (Clever Hunter)
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