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Old 09-04-2010, 08:43 AM
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Default My Whereabouts and Well-Being (If Thats What You Call It)

One word: Depression

I know you're probably like, "depression again? Too much sadness going around lately" and you're right it is, and I'm sorry.

(This is the condensed version due to me being able to focus ) Plus I wrote this because people were concerned as to where I have been. Thank you for caring, you truly are without a shadow of a doubt my second family

Anyways what is wrong? One thing led to another I guess. I saw the re-release of Avatar last Friday, and I got PAD... hard. Almost as hard as the first time. When I get PAD/depression overall, I don't want to talk to anyone (except you guys, I guess you all will understand) and I keep to myself. Why do I have PAD? It may be because of what I don't have. I don't have the freedom from the government, politics, a life away from all this crap and with a community who loves and respects each other. Like tonight I was sitting at a signal waiting for the light to turn green and remember I wear lots of bracelets (called kandi) and when I started going someone in the car next to me and yelled out "fagget!" and took off. Normally I would get a little upset or just brush it off, but now I just sulked a bit. Why can't people accept what other people like??? So much hate in this world it makes me sick.

Plus relations with my mom haven't been too well either. She's still pretty controlling considering I'm 19. One major thing is she said I can't go to anymore raves. That destroyed me inside. Raves were my escape, a chance to escape to a place where people accept me for who I am, where we share the same interests in music and such, a place to love each other and just have fun. But since then I've had nothing to look forward to like that, and everything else just seems so... bland. And she knows when somethings wrong, and when she asks I don't want to talk about it because she wont understand, so I say nothings wrong and just tell her I'm tired. (I did tell her once it was the rave thing and next thing I know I'm getting another lecture, so just not saying is easier, because I just want an escape). Plus also my friends haven't been around in a long time either, so that makes me feel physically alone. I've got my school friends, but we just hang out at school most of the time and I don't talk about emotional things like I do with you to them. So they keep me happy during school.

Something else too, I have never done drugs in my life of any sort, but the other night I was at my friends (school friend) and one was smoking hooka, and asked if I wanted a puff or two. Normally I would decline but I looked at my life and had second thoughts, but turned it down. If it was honestly a friday night I probably would've. That scares me a little.

Anyways I drew a picture the other day of what my life is like.



Basically its a window, but the window/picture is broken because someone broke it, and that guy in the corner is me. Basically the window is what I want and where I want to be, but its a picture because it isn't reality yet/if it will ever be. It's my dreams and imagination and fantasies, but people try to bring me out of that dream state by trying to destroy my dreams and imagination, not letting me live my life and where and who I want to be with. I left the window blank because where I want to be and with whom are still a little hazy to me, but I keep thinking about what's behind that window, in that picture

Also (getting annoyed of that word) I havent been around because my school work has increased so I havent had time to check/post here, but I'm still here

So thats just a condensed me. I cried on the way to work the other day and that night just crawled into bed with my clothes on and cried. Lots of crying going on. I just feel lonely, and wishes I had a lifemate with me now and we could run away from here
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Old 09-04-2010, 09:16 AM
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Damn it, that doesn't sound the best. I felt like that for a time, and occasionally I still do. But I have managed to escape that by focusing on finding the perfect 'mate'. If we can both achieve an empiracal partnership with someone then life should become a lot clearer. I don't even know why I'm saying this though I'm no expert when dealing with these kind of issues.
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Old 09-04-2010, 09:27 AM
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Sorry to hear that things are not going so well I hope your mom changes her mind about going to raves, since it means so much to you.

But if it makes you feel any better, welcome back
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Old 09-04-2010, 09:46 AM
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Thanks to the both of you *hugs both Ba'al and Helicordian*
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Old 09-04-2010, 09:49 AM
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*Hugs back*

If you need anything mate just P.M me.
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Old 09-04-2010, 10:26 AM
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Ow. Sounds bad. I have to say though, nice drawing. Don't know what to tell you since I didn't get PAD. I just thought I'd throw another post to the pile of "We're here if you need us"
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xavier Foxx View Post
Ow. Sounds bad. I have to say though, nice drawing. Don't know what to tell you since I didn't get PAD. I just thought I'd throw another post to the pile of "We're here if you need us"
^ This
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Old 09-04-2010, 12:49 PM
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Don't worry, you know we understand... I'm happy you consider us family, I know I do with you

As for PAD again, oel ngati kameie... I know the feeling, being trapped like this, wanting something else in life and nobody around understanding... They're so focused on their own uninteresting lives, never looking around them for a minute, never considering why they do things the way they do...

One thing I will say... don't keep it all to yourself if there's anyone you can trust, I'd been doing that for YEARS and all it did was made things worse because you spend too much time thinking about it negatively...

Sorry to hear about idiots IRL, there are people like that everywhere, I could tell so many stories about random things like that... But that's why what there is here is so special... We're very different people, probably would have nothing in common if not for here, but I can appreciate the difference and it's surprising the amount there is when you look... Some people just don't want to

As for your mother, that's really sad... any idea why not? If you're 19, does she actually realise you are an adult? Sometimes parents don't want to let go and realise they their 'child' has grown up and wants to do their own things
Other than that, if there is REALLY no other option, maybe you should look at finding your own place, I don't know if any of your friends live on their own, but if they do, look around and see if any of them have a room or are looking for a new place... If you can prove that you're independent, maybe they'll trust you more... Of course, I can't say for sure, but it's something to think about... I know that before I moved out, mine were the same way, maybe not as badly, because I never did go out because there was nowhere TO go there
The truth is, sometimes you just have to bring that realisation to them...

Quote:
Something else too, I have never done drugs in my life of any sort, but the other night I was at my friends (school friend) and one was smoking hooka, and asked if I wanted a puff or two. Normally I would decline but I looked at my life and had second thoughts, but turned it down. If it was honestly a friday night I probably would've. That scares me a little.
Don't blame yourself, really... It must be hard, I admit I don't have any experience there, I guess my places and friends aren't so drug related... You should be happy you stuck to what you thought was right.

Quote:
Anyways I drew a picture the other day of what my life is like.



Basically its a window, but the window/picture is broken because someone broke it, and that guy in the corner is me. Basically the window is what I want and where I want to be, but its a picture because it isn't reality yet/if it will ever be. It's my dreams and imagination and fantasies, but people try to bring me out of that dream state by trying to destroy my dreams and imagination, not letting me live my life and where and who I want to be with. I left the window blank because where I want to be and with whom are still a little hazy to me, but I keep thinking about what's behind that window, in that picture
I really know the feeling there... I don't have the answer unfortunately other than to say that you need to keep going towards that Window, take a look through it... It won't be clear, but if you keep trying, if you think you can, eventually you will find something.

Remember if you want to talk more or about anything else, just send me a PM or email...
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Old 09-05-2010, 03:03 AM
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I'm glad to hear from you but sad at what's been going on. I second that to bring your mom yo realize you are an adult you should move out. When i left for college the way o was treated at home changed a lot. More freedom for one.

Also, i am completely with you on being blank regarding my future. I kind of have ideas of what is cool but no idea what i really want out of life or where i want to go. Having a Gf has also been getting to me lately. Ive dated before though lately been concentrating on myself, however, lately its been getting to me not having someone special.

Ass for hookah, it is my knowledge that its not drugs but tobacco. So I wouldnt call it a drug. Though the way that I had drank alcohol and smoking cigars is pretty much identical to what you described so ive been there before :/

I hope things get better for you and you always know that me and everyone else here are here when you need us! Whenever I can get close to California we will definitely be meeting up!
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Old 09-05-2010, 03:46 AM
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Stan. I wish I knew what to tell you man. I have been in about the same boat and been struggling through stuff. But what I know is that times like these are bumps in the road, and I hope that it will lead you, me, and others to a better life. But we just have to have faith in ourselves and our love for each other, ToS, and Avatar that everything will come out right in the end.
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Old 09-05-2010, 02:34 PM
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Hi Stanley. I feel for you; I've been there, especially at that age.

Don't be mad at your mom; as much as you might like raves, I truly doubt that they hold real help for you. And kudos for Saying No; stay away from that stuff.

There is a lot of help out there if you look for it. Many people in the past have been in similar situations and overcome them. Our feelings are greatly influenced by what we put in our minds, so seek out the most inspirational material to put there. Go on a diet of hope. Read books like the Autobiography of Martin Luther King, or about Dale Carnegie, Abraham Lincoln, or, for a recent person with a message for teens, Lisa Nichols. Watch Dead Poet's Society. And listen intently, for the day that the voice of hope inside grows to the point where you can hear it again.
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Old 09-05-2010, 07:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xavier Foxx View Post
Ow. Sounds bad. I have to say though, nice drawing. Don't know what to tell you since I didn't get PAD. I just thought I'd throw another post to the pile of "We're here if you need us"
Yes, I agree. That's a very powerful drawing, Stanley -- you're a talented artist! I'm so sorry to hear you've felt so depressed lately, but as it's been said before, we, your Avatar family/clan, are here for you tsmukan. Just hang in there...things have to get better at some point. When a person has hit bottom, the only place left to go is up, and you'll get there too. But please don't give in to drugs -- don't go that route! Drugs will destroy you, not make you feel better.
Wish there was more I could do to help you, Stanley. During my high school yrs I had my own emotional/mental breakdown and had to go to a therapist to help me deal with my feelings of loneliness and depression. Now I'm in my early 30s, and my life has improved, but there are times now and again when I still feel a bit depressed and lonely. So I do know something of what you're going through now, tsmukan. Remember, you're not alone here.
I wish you nothing but the best! Oel ngati kameie.
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Old 09-06-2010, 05:26 AM
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Oel ngati kameie. Great drawing, like they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. I wish I had something to say that hasn't already been said. I'm right there with you as far as controlling, parents are concerned. Sometimes it feels like I've died a little bit inside after talking to my parents. The endless lectures about "obedience" and "rebelliousness". Hell, I've had my mom flat out tell me I'm full of s*** a few days ago. Facepalm can't adequately describe how I feel sometimes. Parents are supposedly there for your best interest, and the do the exact opposite of what would be helpful for you. I've kind of reached the end of caring about it anymore. I'll calmly tell my parents exactly what I think, in a non-disrespectful way, and then I basically get my s*** taken away because I disagreed with them. They're just pissed at me all the f***ing time because I'm "immature", meaning I'm not a carbon copy of them. I didn't mean to start ranting.

Anyways, I completely understand, I'm here for you, ma tsmukan. You can always feel free to PM me if you want to talk about something or rant.
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Old 09-06-2010, 07:34 AM
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Don't be depressed, you have all these people who love you very much. That's something not allot of people in this world can claim.
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Old 09-07-2010, 08:29 AM
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Oh, snap. Well you beat my day today. All I did today was have my lazy butt sit on the computer chair and play play play. Well not play games but just use the computer in general.

I hope you get better...
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