"I Don't Know Who You Are Anymore..."
 

Thats what my mom said to me last night. She's said I've changed, and appariently not for the better. When I heard this I was shocked. I thought I was changing... progressing for the better. My attitude has changed, my mindset has changed, I thought I was spreading more peace, love, unity, and respect. I would say, "Hi, how are you doing?" to as many people as I could everyday, I would smile and throw the peace symbol to whoever I made eye contact on the road with, I've stopped the rude comments I would throw at people, I can't judge anymore, and I can never hate someone. I think long and hard about different subject (example, What Is Love, what does I See You truly mean, things like that).

She also claims that it worries her when I come home, eat dinner with the family, then go into my room, shut the door and be on my laptop for the rest of the night. I respond, "because I'm conversing with my friends" (keep in mind I'm 19). She then responded that I don't spend enough time with the family. Does she bother me when I'm in my room reading for the rest of the night? No, so whats the difference? It's not like we do anything anyways, my dad either works on something outside (like the spa, pool, the front yard) or watch TV, my little sister stays in her room and does whatever, and my mom is usually in the kitchen grading papers (she teaches 5th grade). I just don't see the problem. Do I love my family at home? I love them to death. To me I don't feel like I converse with you all enough. You, aytsmukan si aytsmuke truly understand me. I just felt like telling my mom, "because they truly understand me!" I don't feel like my family or friends here understand me, truly do like you do. When I started wearing the Kandi bracelets, my family looked at me with a strange look, and when I tried explaining them to my other friends, none of them understood either, and they also gave me a weird look (except for two friends, anothers also a raver, and the other thinks its a great idea). For me these bracelets go far beyond the sign that I'm a raver, its a symbol of a strong friendship. I seperate the bracelets I made from those whom I made for my family here (sorry I haven't made all of yours yet, I've been really busy lately, but I'll let you know when they're done :D also if you would like one for me to remember you by and we can hopefully exchange in the future, send me a PM and I'll be glad to make you one) onto seperate arms. When I look at the arm with the bracelets I made for you, I see a someone who is close to me, I see that person and I feel close to them whenever I'm away from my computer. I also see when I see them all a community, a community that loves each other, understands, and loves each other, a community I call family. Try explaining that to people over and over again, and 95% of the time getting looks like I'm crazy. So now if someone asks and i know for a fact they won't udnerstand, I tell them, "you wouldn't understand if I told you."

Usually after being gone for 12 hours a day, I'm just ready to go home and relax. Throughout my day I've got ideas to spread with you all on ToS, I want to talk on chat, I miss you all. And to be completely honest, I'm a little tired of coming home to the same house everyday. Somedays, I just don't want to come home I just want to drive for forever. Like I said, I love my family to death, I just feel to suffocated at home. I feel really bad for saying that but I do. Having a curfew on weekdays (it's a little embarrassing telling my friends at school who have an apartment I can't go canyon driving because my mom says I have to be home at a certain time, so I have to make up some BS excuse), things like that. I feel its the time in my life when I want full independance.

Am I not showing my family the same love I show others outside of home? I also remember my sister a little jokingly said, "you've changed since watching Avatar." It might be because I'm still trying to figure myself out as well.

I've had to cut back some as well. Now this is hardly my only forum. I've been trying to stay active on three and watch three more. There are just not enough hours in the day. My wife tells me that she is a forum widow. It's important not to time starve those around you because you have to be on the computer all the time. Spend at least some time with them every day. Take a few breaks from the computer each evening. It's not that hard. Really.

When you live with someone your whole life, they are probably the last to understand the changes you go through, especially when they are your parents. You are an adult now. Your tastes and attitudes toward life are maturing. They are going to be different. Perhaps this is an issue of your mom just not realizing that you are a man now. The changes you are making are very good and mature. It is a sign of a immature person to make rude comments and judge and hate. You are contemplating more and thinking about what truly matters. All of these things are truly commendable.

Again, from her point of view, you are still a kid. She also probably doesn't fully understand the dynamics of online friendships. I know there are some people who are still wary of them.

LOL, that sounds like my family. We didn't do anything either :(.


Awww, ((hugs)) :).

Again, those who are have known you the longest are probably the last ones to understand your changes. You are not quite the same person that they have known. I feel the same way about most of my family members. My brother and sister are sadly like strangers to me at times. I can't talk to them very much. Neither can I with my parents. The younger of my two brothers, the one that lives with me and my husband knows me a little bit more but he doesn't truly understand me. However, I do have my husband and another friend of mine and all of you :).

They are lovely symbols :). That is why we have pictures and other forms of jewelry. To remember our love ones even if they are far away.

Sadly, that is often the case that many won't understand.

:) :)

Again, that sounds like my parent's house before I moved out.

I don't understand this exactly. You are 19. You have a job. You have a car. You are pretty much independent except for the fact that you still live in your parent's home. Do you by any chance pay them rent? If so, then you pretty much are independent and shouldn't have a curfew. It sounds like your parents are still adjusting to seeing their son become a man. It happens.

I don't know how you are outside of TOS but I'm sure you show your family love. As for as what your sister said, its a good thing. When I was 19, I went through a serious soul searching and a conversion of sorts. I was starting to find myself. That is what you are doing and it should be encouraged. :)

I allot myself some time each day to TOS. Usually its at work once everything I have to do is done or I'm on desk. That gives me a lot of time :). When I'm home, I might get on a bit more but not much because once my husband comes home, my attention is on him :).

Tristan, you're a scary dude. In a good way. No...in a GREAT way. You sound a lot like I did when I was passing through the eye of the needle that is the transition from teenager to adulthood. Hell, at 19, you are already definitely an adult. I did a lot of things on my own, moreso perhaps than you since my family started going camping to cheesy campgrounds when I was 15, and since I'm more the geek than the camper, I ended up staying home when they went off on their crazy weekend trips. It wasn't camping - it was intentional self-inflicted discomfort living in a poptop camper for a few days. Ew. No hiking, no nature, nothing. Just relocation of home to the woods. But what I really mean to say is that while I was "coming of age," I too was distant from my family. I didn't love 'em less - I just valued doing my own thing. To be sure, my thing was pretty much just being off by myself with my model airplanes and science fiction and one or two friends. I've never been a social animal with the rest of my peers. But that's irrelevant. 19 is one year removed from 20....and there's something about discarding the "teenager" moniker that evokes thoughts of being an adult. But it's not that easy...simply crossing an age barrier. There are lots of changes in a persons mind when going from being a dependent to being self-reliant. Being responsible for your own survival is no trivial thing, and you will really appreciate what I'm saying when you have to start figuring out a budget for living on your own or with a roommate. (And roommates are NOT easy solutions. That can be more challenging than living at home).

So what this maundering amounts to is this: Avatar hit you at a key transition point of your life. And you are going to change in the process of becoming an independent person anyway...so your parents are getting hit with a double whammy. The Avatar goodness on top of the growing independence. I'm told it's hard for parents to give up being parents. Heck, when I was 20 I had to practically beg to buy a smallish dirt bike for personal transportation. Naturally, motorcycle stuff aside, my 'rents LOVED my having my own wheels. When I upgraded to a 400, I *almost* got my mother to go along for a ride once. You see, parents have to go through the transition too, and I would guess that it's just as painful, if not worse.

My summary, buddy....you will do okay. Your parents will do okay. Not everyone has to understand everything about you. One other way I hear an echo from the past: you are honest. Very honest. Sometimes that can freak people out. Whatever you do, ma tsmukan, remain faithful to your ideals. They are a lot better than perhaps your parents and friends in "meatspace" can realize. If they could read what you post, and get into your head a bit in the process, I'm sure they'd be proud. But they're also doing that parenting thing, trying to get a warm fuzzy feeling about your future. The "parenting" never stops, by the way. I'm nearly 55, and I still get loving concern from my dear 85 year old father, who also happens to be my best friend in the whole world.

I feel you, Stanley. Maybe you've already done this, but it would be good to sit down and have a conversation with your parents. Go into as much detail as you can about how/why you've changed, what you're doing(and want to do) and why you don't see it as a bad thing. I agree with txen, you can't time starve them, but if they're not doing anything anyway, I don't see what the problem is. But it is good to spend time with them.

I have complete confidence that a respectful conversation will mend things. Your parents may not completely understand everything, but at least they'll know what's going on and why you've changed and, hopefully, no longer see it as a bad thing.

I know exactly how you feel ma tsmukan.

When I started talking to some of the people I met back on AF via tinychat (although they didn't know I was on an Avatar forum, I only told them that recently.) my parents (Particularly my mum, she's really sensitive over these 'internet' things - my dad's more laid back...) went into this rediculously over-protective mode where I feel they're constantly looking over my shoulder, monitoring everything I do on the internet. It's so frustrating.

One night, my mum actually asked me if you people were religious fundamentalists trying to recruit me into Al-qaeda. Part of it was a joke, but I could also tell part of it was deadly serious. It's things like this that really, really get on my nerves and make me feel constantly uncomfortable.

As for being told i've changed, I think people know the effect Avatar had on me (seeing as one night, during a discussion with my parents I completely broke down and cried. When I said I just wanted to live a better, simpler life they said "Like the Na'vi?" and I said "Well, yeah" which was recieved with a sigh and a "He's being completely childish" look at my dad) but they haven't said anything about it directly to me. I don't know why but they haven't. Which is also worrying me, I feel like they're talking about me an what I have here behind my back. Secretly condemning me as completely crazy for wanting the things I do.

I mean I feel like shouting "I'm 19 now, why can't you just let me do what I want to in life?!" but I fear the reprocussions if I do. So it all gets stored inside, like all the other stuff, which doesn't help anyone. Least of all myself.

I really, really can't wait for the day I escape. (As callous as that may sound.)

So I understand ma tsmukan. Really, I do. *hugs*

Taw Makto. Very good post and I definitely agree with this quote. My mom at times trys to be the "parent" even though I am 32, married, and have my own household. I didn't leave the house till I was married so living at home brought with it a set of challenges. I admit I did feel suffocated and my mom didn't always treat me as an adult during my 20's. She still has that problem. Sadly, it might never go away. Parents are weird like that. Especially if you live close to them (like being in the same city).

Nah, we are just fattening you up for our yearly sacrifice where we also roast a goat :P:P. Ok, enough joking aside. WOW! Where would she get that idea? I understand it is partly a joke but ummm....I don't think that Avatar would be the sort of movie that a die-hard Al-Quaeda terrorist would be interested in.

I understand.

:(. Many people don't understand the longing for a simpler life. They get uncomfortable with such notions. I definitely don't believe they are childish. I'm sorry that your parents feel that way :(.

That's the worst feeling.

I understand the suffocation. When I was 19-20 I went through a conversion experience. I felt suffocated because I was very afraid of my parent's reaction if I had told them what I wanted to do. Eventually, the truth came out. My dad accepted my decision and was a bit curious about it. My mom.....................not so much.

Its not callous at all. You are 19 and the world awaits you. You are a man and want to do what you need to do. Don't allow anyone to chain you down :).

Wow Tow, this was truly heart felt, I honestly could feel this coming from your soul. And I took each word to heart. Thank you for everything you do Tow, you are incredible. And I just think my mom knows its nearing the time where I'll be moving out soon, and she still wants to hold onto the parenting she can. I don't understand what its like to be a parent yet, it's something you have to experience to truly understand. And knowing my mom, letting me go will be one of the hardest things she'll have to endure. What I'm glad for is that I have a younger sister, so 1/2 ain't bad :)

Thank you Fkeu'itan, and I remember you telling your breakdown in front of your family, and I highly respect you for the courage it took for that... I can't do that. I haven't been able to tell my friends here how Avatar affects me (except for one, he truly understands me, because what Avatar did for me Bleach did for him). I will have this constand fear that my parents will think I'm crazy, or just not right in the head... c'mon being affected that much by a movie? in love with a fictional alien character??? But like you said to me, I understand you as well *hugs* thank you ma tsmukan

I don't know I fear it'll be hard to fully express how I'm feeling... I would like to, but at the same time I don't think I can do it. Thank you for your kind words.

No I do trust me. I spend quality time with my family each night at dinner except for thursdays and maybe fridays. After dinner sometimes I'll just sit and talk. Same goes with my friends I've known since high school, I still spend good quality time with them, because I love them. Like last weekend I invited them over for a bonfire in my backyard and we just sat and talked for hours. Last night my friends came over and we just sat in the spa at my house and talked for like two hours then went inside and just hung out with my family.

Like I said, I'm still trying to figure myself out, sometimes I don't understand myself. And I do admit, a total of six forums is a crazy amount, for me, ToS is my home, with my family. This is my only forum.

Wow! Thank you for these kind, inspiring and uplifting words. Thank you so much ma tsmuke, I took these to heart. *hugs* thank you for everything you do. And no I do not pay rent.

Also to everyone I responded to I wish I could go into more detail of your posts, but I am at work and am about to clock out, and last night my mom took my laptop "for a while" (wow even more awesome) but luckily I still have my iTouch with Safari (she doesn't know it has internet) and thats hard to express your feelings on compared to a keyboard. Thank you all

I'm so sorry to hear that :'(

I wish I could give more words, advice... but I guess I'm lucky, I don't live with my family.
Maybe just make an effort, spend a bit of time with them, if they're watching a film or something. It doesn't need to be a lot, just let them know you're still there.

I just hope they come to appreciate you for who you are :(

OMG TRISTAN i just read this and i am there for you buddy :( that is NOT fair for people to judge just because u have friends on here and they understand you!!! and its not fair to say u changed for the worst when obviously u changed for the better! it is true! i dont see what is up with your mom here.. it seems that your mom and dad need to give you a little more freedom and trust. and dont worry what people say about the bracelets! they are jerks anyway!!! they dont deserve ur attention and i think the bracelets are cool :D so poo on them they can think what they want.. but its your opinion that really matters :D

STAN THE MAN *super tight hug* i love you... i understand what you mean by people always confused and whatnot XD people just don't seem to get the peace generation, which seems to be coming back. it is hard with parents. its like there's always a communication gap that must be filled, and they always think the new revolutions are crazy because it isn't the way they lived it, (again, nothing against parents, i have them too :shock:) but you know, i get alot of crazy shi* from everyone because of my hippie-ness(real word?), but you know, its kind of one of those things where you have to know that no one can bring you down. we're all here for you when you feel down stan, and we are here to keep you held up *hug*. in an unrelated note, would you like to join me in the chat? :D

Stanley, you're in good company here. I agree, I think it's tough for parents to accept their children are finally capable of making their own decisions, especially when they don't coincide with their own. I moved out of my parents' house when I was 22...and moved in with my fiance, a gigantic major no-no for my very Christian mother, but it just had to happen. I love my parents dearly, but there comes a time when living with them is simply bad for the soul. They've made their decisions about their life and you need the room to make your own. *hugs* I hope your parents will come to understand and see the good person you are, in their own time.