Kaltxì!

As the founder of Puk Pxaw 'Rrta - A Book Around the Earth, I'd like to get some information about the book's current status. As far as I know, someone from this community holds the book since the AvatarMeet 2017.

Irayo!

Oh I know, eventually it would get so out of hand you'd have to start numbering them. lol

Random Person, *points* “Who is this?”

Me, “That is my dragon, Gary3652849.”

Random Person, “Cool, and who is this?” *points*

Me, “Oh, that's just Gary3652848, not to be confused with Gary2652848. You can easily tell them apart. Gary2652848 is turquoise and Gary2652848 is teal.”

:shoop:

I try not to be too hard on myself; it's just that some days get to me. It's especially bad during the holidays when all of my friends are posting photos of their husbands, wives, and children. Two of my friends recently celebrated their 12 and 16 year wedding anniversaries. I'm over here like… Oh Yea? Well, I just bought myself a new book! :P

Hi Ja'k! How are you? What have you been up to?

It's nice to see AF friends still here. :)

Thank you for sharing! I completely understand how you feel Moonbeam. For me it's something that has always been there since childhood. I talked about it a little on AVATAR Forums. I can tell my story if you or anyone else would like to hear it...

I’m ignoring the nightmare that has become my life. lol

How are you, and what have you been up to?

I would like to hear your story.

Here it goes...
 

Okay, so, I'm a heterosexual male, and that will make what I'm about to say even that much more interesting, and really confusing. :shock:

Although I am heterosexual I've always had these girly feelings, thoughts and interests deep within me, and I've had to suppress them my entire life. It still comes out in very noticeable ways. If you watch old home movies of me as a child in the 90s you would swear I was a gay man in the making. In fact, my mother always said, “You're going to make someone a good housewife someday.” At the time I didn't understand what she meant by it, but I certainly do now. I noticed in my teens and twenties that I didn't move my body in a masculine way. Moving like a man just doesn't feel natural to me. Even so, I was still very self-conscious about it when I would go out in public; especially when I realized I was standing or doing something the way a woman would, and I would have to “correct” my behavior. There are many things that I do the same way as a woman would do it, and other people take notice; especially my family. :hmm:

I've had several moments in my life when I had a "freudian slip," which is where you have an unintentional slip of a word or thought, and it's often regarded as revealing subconscious feelings, (i.e., the truth). I remember this one time when I was talking to my family, and suddenly they erupted with laughter. Of course I was like, “What?” My then 18-year-old nephew said, “Dude! Did you hear what you just said?! Haha-ha!”, and I was like, “Nooo… wwwhat did I say?” Sometimes I just don't pay attention to what I'm saying. It turns out that I made a reference to myself as a female by mistake. :facepalm:

It doesn't help that I don't have a very masculine body. I'm 5'8”, but I'm proportionally more feminine. My arms and hands are exactly the same size and proportion as my mother's. I've always had a thin build; I'm 115 lbs at the moment. I keep my hair down past my shoulders, and it's thick and wavy. It wouldn't be difficult at all for me to make myself look like a woman (I've experimented in Photoshop); and I'll be completely honest, if I could successfully make myself look like my avatar and prance around at conventions or something, I WOULD! And I would have a bloody good time doing it too!

For those who don't know, my avatar is "Vinyl Scratch"; she's a very popular background character in the show “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” I've seen a lot of fanart of her, but this is the one I love the most (illustration below). She's so cute! She looks how I feel. So obviously I feel pretty awesome! :awesome:

http://i63.tinypic.com/2hmlbms.jpg

I should also mention that I wasn't the type of little boy who played with G.I. Joe and trucks in the mud. I actually played with ponies from the original My Little Pony; my favorite was Moonstone, and I even took her to show-and-tell! I still have her but she's not in good condition, and she's in storage. In 2017 I found her in excellent condition on eBay being sold by a collector, and I bought her (pictures below).

http://i68.tinypic.com/28lb1jb.jpg

Anyway, so, there came a time in my early twenties when I felt like I would rather be “pretty” more than I wanted to look “handsome.” My profile pictures online certainly reflected as much. It's a solid manifestation. I've even gone as far as looking at women's clothes and high heels, for myself. Women have such awesome looking clothes, it's not fair! I have a female "alter ego" that has developed over the years that I keep hidden most of the time too. You can often see her here in my writing. When I let her come out I'm so much happier. :awesome:

Sooo… what has stopped me from going full-on fairy princess? lol

The thing is, this is happening to a lot of people. I mean, A LOT of people are now feeling this way. Some would say that since this is more socially acceptable more people are comfortable with being “themselves.” I would have to disagree. I don't want to sound conspiratorial, but I think this is partly the result of hormonal imbalances likely caused by something we're doing or that's being done to us. I've considered vaccines as a possible source. Maybe hormones in our food? You can take the most masculine of men and have him undergo hormone replacement therapy and turn him into an emotional wreck. I've seen how this has manifested in me and I just think there's something more to it.

For the record, I want to become more like the man I should have been. I'm even trying to grow a beard and become more masculine. Another very important thing I should add is that I'm a Christian, and I know what the scripture says on this topic. I just want what's expected of me. It's a kind of ongoing battle. :shoop:

This is probably why I struggle to get women interested in me… lol

While we're at it, anyone else need to confess about anything? :xD:

I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel these things. I started growing my hair back when I was 20, and kept it for a few years until I had lice. I told myself "If you want the girls to like you most be like them" or something like it. Who was I kidding, huh? I told myself it was to get a girl, but I was really telling myself to be that girl, but I didn't listen to myself.

Hmmm interesting - do you have any more you could add to this? I remember reading an article on how chemicals in clothing from 'Primark' were shown to have affected the hormonal balances in children (not sure on sexuality though), and there also being a few rumours about chemicals in the water supply affecting us... of course these chemicals will affect our bodies - but the extent to which has not really been looked into. Interesting topic. Heck if you wanted to be really controversial and go full-on down the 'hormones affect sexuality' then you'd even have people justifying hormone/chemical for trans people as part of some conversion therapy regime - and then that means being 'gay' is something to be 'cured' which theoretically would mean it was a mental illness; which is still a hot debate even today - is 'gender dysphoria' an appropriate diagnosis for trans people? - I'm not condoning these beliefs!!! I'm just bringing them to light as an interesting topic of debate.

You mentioned in another post about having feminine affectations which is interesting since I read an article/study (sorry I can't find it now) on how trans peoples brains work/function exactly like the gender they believe they are, and hence their body language, everything is identical to the desired gender...

ALSO - to Moonbeam who was curious as to why avatar has such a large LGBT fanbase; It might have more to do with a 'vocal minority'** - fan sites are like 'safe spaces' for confessions and honesty (your less likely to get judged), being a minority when you find someone like you, you speak up and 'band together'.... I mean - why would I ever have to tell anyone I was straight on here? The response would only be 'okay?.... good for you...' since I'm the 'default' sexuality, I don't need to mention it, it's mostly assumed. (Sorry at how badly written this is btw)

** Literally one of the LGBT slogans is 'Loud and proud'

Most of turtle islands peoples (native peoples of north America) "recognize "many possible genders and they (The Two Spirit community) play a very important role as recognised gifted council within the structures of there society.. the influence of European religion on native peoples has had a dark impact upon the traditional roots these structures .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDyaknNmg28

A deeper modern documentary on the history of this subject.

https://youtu.be/eaIWR27sg1c

Yes, at least you know that you aren't alone, which is important in a situation such as this. You usually only hear of this from people who are somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum. I feel that hearing my story is even more beneficial since I am a straight guy, and this is happening to me too. :)

Another thing I should add, that I forgot to mention, is about what happens to people who are single for a long time, and it really touches on what you said. A study that I looked into many years ago suggested that people who are single for extended periods of time often start to take on the traits they want in their ideal partner. This can cause men and women to develop cross gender traits and behaviors. This might be what I'm experiencing. I looked for the study I'm speaking of, but with all of this transgender information everywhere today it's difficult to find a specific study (straight people taking on traits of the opposite sex as a coping mechanism to long durations between relationships) from more than eight years ago. It's buried somewhere on the internet. Since I'm good at finding things I could probably find it eventually if I really looked. :shoop:

What the article said was that basically men and women need each other for good mental health. If you're a male you and don't have feminine energy around you or someone occupying the female gender role in your life what seems to happen is your brain helps you cope by giving you the feminine traits you look for or need in a partner. If you can't find them you become them. :shock:

Also, since I mentioned this I thought I would show a comparison of my 62-year-old mother's hand and arm with mine. :P

http://i64.tinypic.com/2zf0to0.jpg

This photo was difficult to take because I had to take it with a tablet and hold the tablet with one hand over my mother's shoulder. It's a weird angle and would have been better if we were able to get a truly side by side shot, but you get the idea. These are definitely not what most would consider male proportions. My arm is slightly closer to the camera (because I'm taller) so it gives the illusion of being slightly larger. My fingers are only 4mm longer than my mother's. I wish my dad was still alive so I could show you the shocking difference between his huge “mechanic hands” and my feminine hands. Compared to my dad's hands mine are tiny. My index finger is smaller than my dad's pinky was; and as you could probably guess, if that's the case then I obviously have a sad excuse for a pinky. lol :D

You can talk with me about feeling girly if you need to. This topic isn't weird or uncomfortable to me. This isn't even the weirdest thing about me! lol :xD:

I think there are many contributing factors involved in this and not just one cause, and I don't believe it's psychological; or at least not in every case. Hormones control many aspects of our lives; including our emotions and how we feel. This can have an overwhelming impact on our personality too. If you're a man who feels very feminine I believe it could be a symptom of a hormonal imbalance caused by anything between environmental / accidental / intentional — exposure, (e.g., hormones in our food, chemicals in our water, vaccines, chemtrails, etc) to possibly, a brain tumor. In these cases at least some people could be treated and “cured.” As I said, I think there are many contributing factors involved in this and not just one cause.

You can break it down like this…

Sexual Orientation: (straight, bi, gay)
Biological Sex: (male / female / trans male / trans female)
Gender: (masculine male / masculine female; feminine male / feminine female)
Interests: (masculine / feminine / neutral / mixed)

What determines the combination?

Our gender traits and behaviors are largely defined by our upbringing and society, or what's socially acceptable at the time. In my lifetime “Tomboys,” or girls with male interests, have always been accepted, and even celebrated. Boys with feminine interests on the other hand, not so much. It all comes down to what society says about who we should become. In a way you could say that some aspects of gender identity comes from peer pressure. I would say that the factors involved are: how you're raised, peer pressure (society), psychological state, hormones, and personal preferences. The direct cause depends on the person in each case.

In my case, I have almost no typical male interests: I'm not into sports, I'm not into cars, I'm not into hunting, etc. I enjoy cleaning, doing laundry, organizing and decorating. I enjoy home design shows. I am sexually attracted to women who have always been female. I enjoy the company of women more than men. It's actually difficult for me to become friends with other men because we usually have so little in common. As I said above to Moonbeam, I think some of it may be me taking on specific traits that I look for in a partner as a way to cope with the fact that I don't have a partner with these traits; or anyone filling the female gender role in my life. If this is correct then simply finding a female partner with these traits and to fill the role of the female of the house should cause these traits and behaviors to disappear in me.

As far as homosexuality goes I'm not sure exactly how it manifests; so I don't think I can really speak about it other than to say it seems that people suddenly start having these feelings shortly after puberty when their system gets saturated by hormones; so I do believe hormones play a role in it. High levels of testosterone gets converted to estrogen. Going though puberty could set off a feminine reaction in developing boys. As I've said, I do believe that for some people feeling attraction towards the same-sex or feeling like you're the opposite sex could be a symptom of potentially dangerous medical problems.

For some people homosexuality does fall into the taboo fetish category. These days transsexual “women” that look female but have a penis are increasingly popular, and surprisingly their popularity is primarily among straight men. I do believe for a lot of straight men there is this magic line where the transsexual woman has transitioned enough to make them feel like it's not as bad as man-on-man hardcore big gay action. They're having the “homosexual experience” with something that is as feminine as possible.

My overall opinion on this matter is that I think we're looking at this from a very narrow perspective. Even those in the LGBTQ community look at this from a very narrow perspective. Would a gay person even be willing to entertain the idea that the reason they are the way they are is a legitimate medical problem? As a straight male I wouldn't have any problem having tests done to see if there are any underlying reasons why I feel so feminine. I do believe that I have a hormonal imbalance because I've lost the hair on my legs and my facial hair is really not filling in the way it should have by now.

http://i64.tinypic.com/vg69g6.jpg

That's what my facial hair looks like; please excuse the unkempt nature of it. I haven't been taking care of it because this is just a test to see if leaving it alone will allow it to fill-in, and it only looks filled-in because I've let it grow just to see what it does. If it was only a few millimeters long it would look very thin; just a hair here and there. Look, I don't even have sideburns yet! I'm a 35-year-old man and the fact that I'm not able to grow a full beard by now could actually be a symptom of a medical problem. It would likely be some type of hormone imbalance, which is why I think that in some cases feeling “different” might be a result of a hormonal imbalance. The exact cause could be any number of possible things and we should look at each case on an individual basis. In my case I noticed that my facial hair started coming in and thickening up when I got away from hormone saturated foods, like dairy products. Before I changed my diet the hair in the picture didn't exist at all as recently as just a year ago. I had to change my diet as the result of food allergies, and now that I'm staying away from those foods my facial hair is starting to come in and I don't feel as feminine as I did in years past.

This is why I think we're being exposed to something.

That's interesting… thank you for sharing this because I knew nothing about two spirit people. This also makes me think of possible spirit possession or demonic possession of some people. I have thought for a long time that children who have memories of a “past life” are really possessed by the people whose lives they're remembering. Spirits can take control of your body and change you; so I've thought that perhaps (in some cases) a man feeling like they're a woman is simply just a man possessed by the spirit of a woman. Possibly even a "female" demon. Look up what a Succubus is; here's a quick description:

I've had one of those around me for years, and I do have deteriorating health that has been going down hill for years. My Succubus takes the form of a really sexy cat thing. I'll have to explain that some other time if anyone is interested...

Also, I agree with what the woman said in that video about the problem being "outside forces" instead of Christianity. I'm a Christian and I was always against legalizing gay marriage but only because I don't think the government has any business getting involved in our relationships. That is a private matter between two adults. I don't think the government should have that kind of authority. Of course, I'm also a Conservative, which means I believe: the less government, the better. People in the LGBTQ community do think the government should have that authority. It's none of the governments business!

That's a good looking hand! I would love to talk girly stuff with you!

Thanks! It goes with the rest of me. ^-^

What are some things you're interested in that aren't typically male interests?

I'm not too sure! I was so far into the closet, I had no interests that were out right girly growing up. I did watch Rupaul's talk show growing up in the 90's though. And I did like Buffy, and Xena, too. All the "female" stuff I'm doing is fairly new, but feels right. I tired Revlon Lip Balm a couple of weeks ago, and felt pretty.

I suppose I can go over some random things about myself. I have had many feminine interests over the years, and I have a lot more in common with women than men. I've noticed that I always relate with the female characters more. In video games I'll usually create a female character instead of a male character. If I had to choose between being Neytiri or Jake I would definitely choose Neytiri. I mean, come on, she's awesome! If I had a display image commissioned of myself I would ask for a female version instead of a male version because I feel like a female avatar fits me better. Online when people refer to me as "she" or "her" (because of my avatar) it doesn't bother me, and I don't correct them. I watch a lot of beauty gurus on YouTube, and watching them apply makeup is fascinating to me. I've never tried lip balm. I have put on lipstick, eyeliner, and nail polish before. I've always liked the way some of the really awesome women's clothing looks. I'll scroll through looking at women's clothes for hours until I realize what I'm doing. I wouldn't dare buy anything because I don't want to have to explain why I have high heels or something. In the past I've tried wearing skirts, tops, and stockings. See, the problem is that the truly awesome looking men's clothing is for the kind of men who have the chiseled “superhero” body. That's definitely not me! To be honest, I wouldn't want that kind of body because I feel like that would clash with me on a psychological level. The fact that I have such a small compact body is probably why I never developed gender dysphoria. I've never hated my body; however, I do hate body hair! If I could get laser hair removal I would. For a long time I would shave my arms and legs. None of this has ever not felt right. My personality has always been more feminine. Think of a really kind woman who loves animals and that's basically me. I'm too nice for my own good. And when I have to act more like I'm "supposed to" that's when it gets really weird. That's why I enjoy staying home because when I go out I feel like I have to pretend to be something society expects me to be instead of myself.

I did always find talking to women easier than talking to men. And I've always wanted to try women's clothes, but never did. I always thought they looked better.