Things You'd Never Hear an Avatar Character Say
 

I think everyone that moved here to ToS from AF remember this old thread.
And I was suprised that noone has yet found the curage to start it here... and come on, we all need a laugh from time to time!
I may not be the best joker ever, but I sure love this thread on AF!


So...Let's kick this thread started with my little movie parody here ;)

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Before the Final Battle on Pandora... Jake has himself a little speech for the other clans Warriors!

Tsu'Tey: TEN HUT! EYES FORWARD!

*Jake appears.*

Jake: My name Is Jacob Sully aka Toruk Makto ... and I need me a Warriors! We're going to be heading out in the Jungle... flying on our Ikrans!
We're gonna be doing one Thaing and one Thaing Only... Killin´Sky-People!
Na'vi: YES SIR!!!

Continues...

HAHA! Love this :D and nice sig too

Nice :D

Tsu'tey: "You mated with this woman?"
Grace: "Oh s***"
Jake: "Yep. And she was amazing. Tsu'tey, you really don't know what you're missing"

Quaritch: "How does it feel to betray your own race?"
Jake: "well, it's mixed really. Neytiri is amazingly hot, I can walk again, and have you seen how epic my Toruk is? But just between you and me, I really miss beer"

Neytiri: I am with you now Jake. We are mated for life.
Jake: Yeah yeah baby get some!

Neytiri (referring to Seze): Do not look in her eye.
Neytiri (notices Jake's eyes dropping downward from Seze's head): Do not look at my t*** either!

Jake: I hope all this treehugger crap isn't on the final.
Grace: Actually, there's a comprehensive examination in which you will be expected to identify every plant and animal, what the Na'vi use them for and what significance each one has in Na'vi history.
Jake: Crap.

(Neytiri closes Jake's human eyes by kissing them)
Neytiri: *slurp* Good jujubees!

(Jake falls off the direhorse)
Neytiri: FAIL!

Under the waterfall...

"How do I know if it has chosen me?"
"It will try to kill you"
"Wait what?!"

Jake runs away

"WAAAAAAAA!"

Haha all those are really good. I remember seeing some of them before, but they're still funny. Here is one of my own short favourites.

*After killing Quaritch, Neytiri jumps into the shack, to see Jake choking on the ground. Neytiri sees the mask Jake is reaching for. She grabs the mask and......puts it up to her own face:
Neytiri: Wooohooo. Look at me. Hehehe. I'm a Skyperson
Jake: .....

:D :D :D

Tsu'tey: Don't worry Jake, we can share Neytiri, we get her on alternate days.

Quaritch: MASKS ON!
*kicks door*
*door stays shut*
Selfridge: You have to pull that lever there
*Quaritch pulls it, then kicks the door again*
*the door stays shut. Quaritch pulls it open and walks outside muttering under his breath*

Take 2:
Quaritch: MASKS ON!
*kicks door*
*door stays shut, Quaritch jumps backwards and falls over*
Quaritch: Argh, I think I broke my toes!

Awesome! :D (Sounds like something I'd do...)

You are not at Hometree anymore. You are on earth, Aysmukan si aytsmuke. Respect that fact, every second of every swaw. If there is a Kawng tsenge, you might wanna go there for some R&R after a tour on earth.

Out there, beyond that fence, every living thing that walks, flies, or drives on the road wants to sue you and eat your eyes for cheeseburgers. We have an advanced population of humans, called... humans. They're fond of '45s, but mostly shotguns loaded with shells that'll stop your heart in 1 micro-second. And they have bullet-proof vests made with kevlar, some with type IV armor against armor-piercing rounds... Alone, they're very easy to kill.

Still, as chief of the Omaticaya it is my job to keep you alive... I will not succeed.

Not with all of you. If you wish to survive, you've got to pray to Eywa fra trr. But you've got to obey the rules. Urban rules.

Rule #1: Keep your exo-pac with you at all times.



~Jake Sully, in an alternate universe where the Na'vi are the invaders.

...................
(dies laughing)

Neytiri and Mo'at are looking on in sorrow at the desolation of their destoyed Hometree.

Moat: Well it could have been worse.
Neytiri: How?
Moat: Just thank Eywa we didn't tell them about the Unexistium.

Quarich, on the destruction of Hometree.


"What we've got here, is failure to communicate.

Some Na'Vi, you just can't reach.

So you get what we had here -- which is the way they want it.

Well, they get it.

And I don't like it anymore than you all."

Quaritch (after the destruction of Hometree): Oops, I think the one we wanted was 200km to the west...

Here's another take on this.

The missiles fly into Hometree exploding in a ball of fire. Eventually the great Hometree falls and........lands on Hell's Gate crushing everything in the compound.

Quaritch: Oops. Looks like I severly overestimated the distance from the base and severly underestimated the size of the tree.

Pilot: Does that mean we wont be home for lunch then?

Brilliant :D

As the Na'vi are escaping the falling Hometree... it suddenly change direction and falls on the RDA forces, crushing them!
The Na'vi stares with open mouths!
Neytiri: "Jake... is that what you humans call Irony?"
Jake: "...That is the mother of all Irony!"

Here's the last one I posted on AF.

Neytiri: Oh, no I've lost my home. Someone blew up the last one.
Quaritch: Yes, we're not in Kansas any more ladies and Gentlemen. We're on Pandora. And I am looking for my heart. Will you help me find it?
Neytiri: Yes, if we find the wizardess of Ewya, she will show you where your heart is.
Norm: I would like some courage. Will Ewya help me?
Neytiri: Of, course. After meeting the Wizardess, you will be doing suicidal cavalry charges against well-trained professional soldiers with high calibre automatic weapons in no time.
Grace: And will she help me get some samples?
Selfride: And will she help me get some unobtanium?
Wainfleet: And will she help me get some? Yeah!
Neytiri: The Wizardess will help us all.
Jake: And I have lost my brain. Will Ewya help me get a brain?
Neytiri: Mmm. In your case , that's asking quite a lot. But I'm sure Eywa will do her best.
Quaritch: Don't worry son. We will find Ewya together and help you get your brain back. Your real brain that is.
Neytiri: why are you here Trudy?
Trudy: No reason really. I'm just along for the ride. Oh, and I fancy Norm because I think he looks really hot.
Neytiri: Ah, now I understand. You need eyes because obviously you can't see. That's why you always wear those sunglasses, isn't it.
Trudy: Yeah, aint that a bitch.
Neytiri: I'm sure the Wizardess will help you. She will help us all. All we need to do is follow the yellow branch road through the forest of Pandora.
Quaritch: Well, then. Let's boogie!
Everyone links arms and start to skip along a a very wide yellow branch.

Everyone (singing): We're off to see the Wizardess, the wonderful Wizardess of Ewya...

LOL! I love this, very clever :)

Hahah, that made me smile :)

Here's another from AF

*Jake and Quaritch are facing up to each other in the final battle.
Jake: It's over, Quaritch.
Quaritch: It ain't over while I'm still breathin'
Jake: I was hoping you'd say that.
*Jake is surprised to see Quaritch put on his mask, power-down his amp-suit and jump to the ground wielding a dagger.
Quaritch: What's it like to betray your own race, Sully?
*Jake grabs Quaritch's left arm and rips it off at the socket. Quaritch looks calmly at the stump.
Quaritch: Got lost in the woods? That's only a flesh wound. It ain't over while I still have my coffee arm.
*Jake calmy rips off the other arm.
Jake: Come on Quaritch, it's all over. You've no arms.
Quaritch: Shut your pie whole! It ain't over while I'm still standin'. I'll snap your neck with my legs.
*Quaritch starts to jump and dance around Jake like an armless boxer. Jake rips off Quaritch's left leg. Quaritch is hopping about on his one leg.
Jake: Come one Quaritch. You can't win now. You've only got one leg.
Quaritch: This low gravity has made you soft, Scully. It ain't over while I'm still hoppin'. I'm going to kick you to death.
*Jake rips off Quaritch's other leg. Quaritch's torso wrythes about on the ground. Quaritch looks up and screams at Jake.
Quaritch: I'm starting to think you've lost your resolve. I've got you where I want you now, Scully. You're at my mercy now?
*Jake shakes his head and walks away to help Neytiri from under the Thanator. Quaritch tries to wriggle after him screaming and snapping his teeth.
Quaritch. Come back here you traitorous cowardly b@stard! Com'on. I'll bite you to death. I'll eat your eyes for jujubees. It ain't over while I'm still got teeth.

That is a monty python if I ever saw one. :D

Indeed. :D

Monty Python FTW!! :D :D

*Gasps for air from laughing so much*
Wow Lol, that deprived me of oxygen I laughed so much :D

lol all these posts are just hilarious great work, I'm laughing my ass off now :D

The operation agains the tree off souls has gone almost perfectly. The RDA have driven off both the Na'vi air attacks and all the Dragon has to do is drop it's deadly cargo on the tree of souls. Quaritch gives the order as he stirs his coffee with a tooth pick. For some reason all the tea spoons had disappeared. He would deal with that later, but for now he was going to saviour the taste of ultimate victory.
Quaritch gives the order and the deadly cargo falls from the Dragon towards the tree of the souls. Quaritch waits for the explosion.
And waits... and waits...and waits....and waits....
And nothing happens.
Quaritch gets on the radio.
Quaritch: Wainfleet. You did load up the Dragon with Daisy cutters?
Wainfleet: Yes sir, we rounded up all the science staff and requisitioned all the equipment, utensils and personal items we could find that would be suitable for cutting and digging up daisies.
Quaritch slaps face with hand.
Quarith: Do you mean to tell me, Wainfleet, that we have just dropped whole pile of lawn mowers and garden sheres on the enemy.
Wainfleet: It wasn't just gardening implements and utensils, sir. We also requisitioned all items that could cut daisies, including nail clippers, scissors and kitchen cuttlery.
Quaritch shakes his head with dismay. That explains the lack of teaspoons.
Quaritch: So, Wainfleet. We have just dumped all our garden equipment, kitchen cuttlery and personal grooming utensils on the enemy? Is that afirmative?
Wainfleet: Among other thing. Yes, sir, it is affirmative.
Quaritch: Wainfleet, did you not realise I meant explosives when I spoke about daisy cutters?
Wainfleet: Er, no sir.
Quaritch: And did you not consider asking me for clarification when you were rounding up all the tea spoons?
Wainfleet: With respect, sir. When you order me to jump, I don't ask how high.
Quaritch slaps his face with his hand again.
Quaritch: And do you know what happened to all the explosives?
Wainfleet: Sorry, sir. I have no idea.
Suddenly there is a huge explosion from the direction of Hell's Gate. In the distance, a giant mushroom cloud rises into the sky in the area where Hell's Gate is situated.
Pilot: Er, sir. We have just lost all communication with Hell's Gate.
Quaritch takes a sip of his coffee and savours the flavour of the fine grains. It would likely be his last cup for a long long time.

Epic. :)

Wow, great stuff here, best laugh I have had in a long time. Keep it up.

After Jake is transferred permanently to his Na'vi body.

Jake: So, I am the first to pass through the Eye of Eywa?
Mo'At: Of course not. Did you not recognise the skypeople celebrities over there.
Na'vi Marilyn: Happy birthday Mr President...
Na'vi James Cameron: I'm King of the World.
Na'vi Elvis: No. I'm the King. Uh-huh, I'm all shook up.
Na'vi Freddy: I'm the killer......Queeeeen!
Navi MJ: I'm bad. Wooo-hooo.

So that's how celebrities get away from the paparazzi...

Jake is confronted by the Titanothere.
Grace: Don't shoot! You'll just piss him off.
Jake fires a burst at the Titanthere from his M60 and it falls down dead.
Jake: Hey. Must have been lucky shot.
Another Titanothere charges towards Jake. Jake fires again and the 2nd Titanthere also falls down dead.
Jake: Hey, I think I've found their weak spot.
A Thanator springs into the clearing at Jake. But Jake spins round and fires a burst from his M60. The Thanataor falls dead an inch from his feet.
Jake: Yeah, whose the daddy now.
A pack of ten viperwolves charge into the clearing. Jake fires two bursts and all ten viperwolves fall dead.
Jake: Oh, come on. This is too easy. Is that all you've got?
A Sturmbeast charges headlong into the clearing towards Jake. Jake fires a burst from his M60 and the Sturmbeast immediately falls dead.
Jake: Yeah, get some. That's what I'm talking about. Is there anyone else out there?
Jake fires three bursts into the trees around him. Six Na'vi warriors fall out of the trees and bushes where they were hiding and hit the ground dead.
Jake" Hell yeah, I can't miss today.
Jake points the gun in the air.
Grace: Don't shoot in the air. It's very dangerous.
Jake: Well. I am fed up of doctors telling me what I can't do.
Grace: No, Jake...
Jake fires a single shot into the air.
Jake: Yeah, I'm King of Pandora!!!
A dead Toruk comes crashing down through the canopy of the forest and lands on Jake, squashing him flat.
Grace: I told you it was dangerous.

Haha thats absolute GOLD! :D

Jake ran as fast as he could. He would have to run fast if he was going to catch that Thanator.

The Thanator suddenly stopped, hesitating at the top of the cliff overlooking the river as Jake knew it would.

Jake continued sprinting towards the ferocious beast. Jake knew he could kill the beast from afar with a single arrow. But he was determined to kill it with his bare hands.

The Thanator turned to face the on rushing Jake, fear shining in its eyes. As Jake reached within a few yards of the great predator, he leapt forward and grabbed the Thanator causing both to fall over the cliff into the river.

For a few seconds Jake wrestled with the Thanator in the water, both struggling against the strong current of the fast flowing water. But eventually Jake won the day, grabbing the Thanator in his strong arms and breaking its neck.

As Jake pulled the carcass of the great beast onto the opposite shore he heard a female scream from the forest.

“Help me! Help me!”

Jake rushed into the forest to find a helpless Na’vi Princess cowering on the forest floor, scrambling back from a pack of vicious viperwolves. It was clear she was helpless and at the mercy of these ravenous beasts.

Jake watched a moment as he admired the figure of the beautiful female Na’vi female as she lay helpless on the ground. Her soft silk white robe was torn at the shoulder revealing her heaving buxom breasts, while a rip up the side of her leg revealed the top of her smooth shapely thighs. Jake was relieved to see, that despite having damaged her clothing, the cruel beasts had not yet physically injured the Princess.

Jake leapt into action, springing from a high branch and skewering three viperwolves with one well aimed arrow. The viperwolves were startled by his presence, but before they could react another deadly accurate arrow felled another four of their brethren.

Jake leapt into the midst of the ruthless dog like creatures, grabbing them with his bare hands and flinging them against the trees like rag dolls. The others quickly realised that their cause was useless against such a whirlwind of destruction and fled into the forest.

Jake stood before the beautiful Princess, his finely sculptured God like body glistening in the dull light of Polyphemus.

Jake helped the Princess up and she fell into his arms weeping with relief.

“Don’t worry, ma’am. You are safe now.” Said Jake gathering her in his strong arms against the rippling muscles of his manly torso.

“Oh, thank you for saving me.” Wept Neytiri, tears glistening on her exotically beautiful Na’vi features. She felt helpless again as she melted into Jake’s manly protective embrace. But this time she was helpless with love and joy, rather than fear.

"That's nothing." Replied Jake. "You should see what I can do in my Na'vi body."

...Now that ^ is perfect. :D



Grace: Jake, I'm with her. She's real.

Jake: Grace! Grace! What's happening?

Grace: I'm... it doesn't hurt anymore.

Mo'at: She's passed through the eye of Eyw--

Jake: *shoves Mo'at; injects Grace's avatar; glares threateningly at Mo'at*

Mo'at: *eyes Jake fearfully* Erm... her wounds were too great. There was not enough time...


....Jake: The skypeople have sent us a message...

The final battle in the air is in full swing. Ikran riding Na'vi warriors are swarming the Dragon and Scorpions causing many casulaties with well aimed arrows, while the RDA marines try desperately to shoot them down.
Quaritch picks up the radio.
"Wainfleet. Report!" Barks Quaritch into the transmittor.
There is a lot of interference, but he can make Wainfleet out.
"We're hammering them, sir." Replies Wainfleet confidently.
"That's Excellent. But I don't hear much gunfire." Says Quaritch, as he watches in disamy as another scorpion veers into a floating mountain exploding in a ball of fire.
"Er....it must be the interference, sir. We've got them where we want them and we have captured a substantial amount of unobtanium." Crackles Wainfleet in reply. "And we are just about to capture some more."
"That's good initiative, son. I wish I had ten others like you." Replies Quaritch, ducking instintively as another out-of control Scorpion almost carashes into the Dragon. "Do you need assistance?"
"No, sir." Replied Wainfleet. "Everything is under control"
"Good work, Wainfleet. Over and out." Said Quaritch signing off.
Wainfleet turned his attention towards his Na'vi ennemy before him and got ready to pull the trigger....
The metaphoric trigger that is.
Wainfleet smiled as he throws the five cards on the ground, showing three queens and two kings.
"Yeah, get some! A full house." Roared Wainfleet, to the cheers of his men who are watching the poker game.
The Na'vi warriors sitting before him shake their heads to the groans of their Na'vi comrades watching the game.
"You play with the bull, you get the horns." Says Waintfleet raking in the big pile of unobtanium in the middle. "Yeah. I'm going to win so much, it will blast a whole in their racial memory so wide, that they will never forget the Llye-maester, the poker-king of Pandora, the Poker-Makto."

Jake: Hey, here's a joke. Why do Na'vi not have a sense of humour?
Neytiri: That's not funny! I don't want to see you again. You will never be one of the people.

Quaritch: That was good initiative, son. I wish I had 10 others just like you.
Jake: Funny, you should say that Colonel. I would like to introduce you to my ten identical brothers.
Quaritch is shocked as ten men looking exactly like Jake walk into the room.
Jake: Tom and I weren't just twins. We were born as a group of duodecaplets, 12 identical bothers born at the same time. It's amazing what IVF can do in the modern age.

Neytiri wakes at the Tree of Voices to find Jake's Avatar still unconscious.

She pushes him on his back and tries to wake him gently, but realises that human Jake is not driving the Avatar. She sighs and sits back, before noticing that a certain one of Jake's apendicies is pointing directly skyward like an enormous sun dial.

"Oh, well. Waste not, want not." Says Neytiri to herself with a cheeky smile.

You are one dirty little boy.

I love you. :D

For posting that, I mean. :P

Jake is on Iknayama to choose his Ikran.

Jake: How will I know if he chooses me?
Neytiri: He will try to have sex with you.
Jake: So what happens if he buggers me before I bugger him?
Neytiri: Then you will have to carry him about on piggy-back whenever he calls you.
Jake: Outstanding!