[WIP] Unshackled

[Clarke]

IMO, in chapter 7, it'd make a lot more sense for the Colonel to simply shut down the conversation with something along the lines of, "You do not need to know."

[Ashen Key]

I. Hrm. I've been mulling over this for days to try and put this more politely, but I can't think of a way, so here it goes: the lack of correct punctuation is giving me the visual and mental equivalent of nails on a blackboard. If you weren't on this forum and asked, I would have backed out at the second spoken sentence and never looked back.

Now, I know you said you're editing a novel (which I am impressed at, because the Narrative Deity only knows how many of THOSE are languishing on my computer barely done), but two things. Firstly, if you can't be bothered with proper punctuation, why should I - or any other reader - be bothered with reading it? (to be blunt). Secondly, the punctuation should be automatically done when you type it up/write it, not be something you have to edit back in. I can't IMAGINE trying to go over even what I have published of my story "Speak, Friend, and Enter" and having to put in commas and such in the speech after I've already written it.

From what I managed to read, hrm. I can see you are aiming for a darker and edgier air than canon, which is perfectly fine, but to me it reads sometimes that you are trying a bit TOO hard to make it Darkier and Edgier. The incident with the miners when the MCs arrived, for instance - it read like a take on Jake's arrival, but instead of the marines (who I can see heckling newcomers, and to be honest, they weren't putting much effort into it) you have the miners, which...they would be that openly sexist in 2160/2170? They have that kind of hazing culture? The RDA would send miners like that to Hell's Gate? It read like the kind of heckling that'd be done maaaaaaaaaaaaybe now under those circumstances. I'm sure gender-relations have changed from the present, unless you are going for a regression?

Also, Fiona Quaritch - graduated at West Point at the age of 18? The Army lets in fourteen year olds in the future? Her father let her join the ARMY? I had far, far too many questions about her, and again, her opening speech read too much like Miles Quaritch's. I'm also not sure why she's telling ALL the newcomers about the Avatar drivers in detail.

I'm sorry, I wanted to like this, I did. But, as it stands, I can't. If nothing else, the punctuation is too distracting.