Maybe Its The Time Of Season...

[Stanley_9875]

Basically I wrote this last night, as I felt something slowly creeping up on me...

Ive got to thinking… well wasn’t just straight up thinking, more like a feeling, which led to thinking about the particular feeling… It being Christmas Eve/Christmas (early) morning, I was sitting on the couch in the living room with my dad watching a movie on TV… the lights were off and theChristmas Tree lights were lit, and I started getting this feeling… a feeling, ive felt before… not as strong, but then again, it was something tugging at me on the inside. Something that reminded me of what happened two years ago this time of year… about a movie that changed my thinking, im guessing for life. A movie that made a major mark in my life I’m guessing I wont ever forget. A feeling of me… wanting… to be somewhere else. To be someone else… somewhere far away… away from here. Someplace, where I can do things I wouldn’t have imagined, see things I couldn’t have possibly made up. A place where I fell in love… fell in love, with the adventure, fell in love with… home… fell in love with someone. Someone who made me smile, made me cry, made me feel complete. And here I sit at my desk writing this at 2am Christmas Day, getting flooded with things I haven’t felt in a long time. I can hardly take it now… how on earth was I able to comprehend everything I took then? Or has it made me that more fragile? The days I would spend at work, I would take a “bathroom break” and go in a stall and look at pictures of her, and her home… and cry. I cried daily… I cried constantly. There has never been a time in my life I wanted something so badly, felt so in love… and felt so alone. I had all of you… without you all swear to God I would’ve gone insane… out of my mind. But still, I felt no one else around me understood when I was away from you all… the late nights I would talk with fellow friends on tinychat, avatar chat, and skype… the good times we’ve shared. Sharing how we felt… these feelings we thought no one else related to us. Meeting new people daily on AF and ToS. I tell everyone, sometimes out of the blue, “If there was a time I could go back, it would be Monday, December 14th, 2009” and they ask, “why?” and I just say, “reasons” and leave it at that. The first week before actually seeing it, was a time I’ll never forget. This is something so difficult on my mind and heart to think about right now, but I need to tell it. God how much I’ve changed… how much we’ve all changed through this movie. If I could, I would take a look at each persons life I met on AF and ToS, from then till now… I would want to feel what they’re feeling. I look back at chat logs, and people ive met, and my heart breaks for those I don’t see anymore… “where are they? How are they? Are they okay? Do they remember?” The days we would spend posting about how much we’ve wished we lived there… Now it feels desperate… I want to go back then. Ive had some of the hardest stuff ive had my heart take then, but I would give anything to go back again. Tears are flowing as I write this now. Ive heard people tell me, “some people never grow up. They want to dwell in the past and not move forward and mature” I’m one of those people. That was a groundbreaking, life shattering point in my life. And God I’d give anything to go back. I love you all… I love you all so much. Theres so many things I want to say, but most of all, I just want to have you feel… This is going to be a rough sleep… But if anything, I swear to myself, I’m going to take the time, to take a week off, and rent someplace far away, in the middle of the mountains, probably in Oregon by my self, and do everything Avatar. I want to do whatever to bring those feelings back. Read logs, read my journals, read past posts, listen to the soundtrack, read my stories of my fantasies, watch the movie, and most of all…

Feel

PAD crept up on me at random... maybe its the time of the year, where things changed for my life... our lives, out of the blue (no pun intended)... and i would give anything to go back. I felt so terrible i didnt even have a celebration when its been TWO YEARS (astonishing). But i love you... I love you all... Eywa ngahu and merry Christmas <3