In need of thought and understanding: Life's screenplay

[Apollo]

Living my life......



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I hear that alot, from old people and unforunate people alike.

I never really got exactly what it meant. It makes complete and total sense to the person who has had something dreadful happen to them; they can understand and reflect upon that horrifying moment and know that if they see the past instead of their future, the life they should be living will slip them by.


Where is the time in our lives to enjoy what we have?: Life

Why is it that we must work unorder to know happiness and freedom? These are questions I have lived with and have answered, but having an answer hasn't laid them down to rest. Instead, they haunt me like the Tall-Tale Heart. They are buried under the wooden plank floor. I hear my memories, I hear my voices, I hear the things I regretted doing and the moments I have savored in timelessness. It's getting louder, and it isn't getting any quieter. This... this is the past heeding a calling; my past is collecting into a single memory and is trapping me in the moment. It's enough to make you convinced that your doing something wrong, but what? I feel like my efforts in improving myself are only hurting me, which I know logically doesn't make sense. The point of improving yourself is to make your life and your mind improved from it's previous state; your a better person.

Work, ladies and gentlemen, is the foundation of civilization. And is essential if one wants to live, and maybe even comfortably. However work has consumed the human race because civilization has spanned throughout this world; there is no place for me to go other than my imagination to truly know where I belong. Although work is the groundwork for civilization, it goes both ways, inside and out of the civilized, physical world. Part of my dedication in improving myself is to talk to people better, and how to sooth the ladies instead of intimidate them when I want to go out with'em (everyone wants a good time, it's all a matter of trust). The work involved is tricky and the long-term meditation will test your ethics and your personality to it's limits for spans lasting as long as 3 years. Work has saved me from my social disorder and helped me overcome my birth defects; as a result, I feel rather powerful. My hard work is only beginning however, I got dreams to catch but why can't I feel any different? What has this work done to me? Work, I realized..... it does not offer the freedom we seek, it is beyond this world where freedom lies. It is no crime to try to reach it through physical actions though. This is why I work hard, this is what keeps me going deep down. To fully understand what I'm trying to get at, I will reveal how I go to my world.

When the business of the day is done, and obligations take foot for you to do, you need to find yourself. If you've been working for a long time, and can only obtain peace through hope, you need a symbol of some kind. I come home from school, settle, and spread out my homework and study materials. On most days, I will not even think about peace and freedom and just dive into my homework so I can have some spare time to claim. On days where things are bad, I get calls constantly about bad news, and something reminds me of my beloved Clowie, I am crippled and unable to work on anything. I look outside my window in these times, and see the tree I grew up seeing grow. This tree is casts the perfect silhouette every night with a street light shinning through it's leaves (or twigs). This tree, it's a gateway. I stare at it for a good 3 minutes, and I'm out. I lost control of my own body and plunge into this world. I enter the world and stand beside a park bench under a tree, overlooking a near-sunset over an ocean off in the distance, with rolling hills on my sides boarded by forests, creating a straight view aiming at the sun's place in the low sky. It is here I find my peace, and when freedom comes, I talk with someone from my desires. They sit on the park bench with me, and I never see them coming towards the bench but they always come from behind me. I have talked with Neytiri several times, and imaginary warriors who fought for a cause who had families, I talked to the gods, Sherlock Holmes was an interesting conversation, and I even talked to assassins. All of these idols remind me of my virtues, who I am, and what I'm fighting for: my other me.

Work and relationships go hand in hand, and my tree gives me some freedom, but I think love is what's missing from the picture. I attract all the wrong kinds of girls, and I find that when I talked to different-decent women, I find myself getting into an awkward situation. It's all under development and I need to test different areas and fields of recreation to find someone who has similar values as I do (which makes up an interesting relationship, one that can last). Than again, like work, love has two sides. It is the ultimate force of human kind and it can bring the worst benefit and greatest reward; I do not wish catastrophe for my mental well-being, but I suppose it's a risk I need to take if one wants the ultimate prize.



I want to live my life, but work is the journey in-between. What can make this ride through life memorable?
2hr 21m, this is very important to me