Lonliness.

[Fkeu'itan]

I'm revivng his thread because it's back. And it's back like a relentless monster tearing me to shreds.

I don't know why, but it seems like everyone who could ever love me is hundreds, nay, thousands of miles away from me and their souls even further still... while i'm here, stuck on a tiny island with a culture so backwards and screwed up that I doubt any one else out there even feels the same way. Completely deserted.

I like to tell myself that there is someone, anyone at all out there, but it just feels like i'm lying to myself... like it's all just a way to comfortably mislead myself into thinking something will come bit I don't know if it ever will for as long as I live. I know i've probably said this countless times before but I know what I really want, what I really need to feel whole, but I feel like i'm asking too much. Seeking something that's impossible to find for someone like me in a place like mine.

It feels like all I have is this diminished, sickly, rediculous sense of hope and that alone could never be enough, which only serves to extinguish the flame even further. I don't want to live like this... slowly dying inside, a crucial piece missing from my estranged puzzle while I wear this false mask of hapiness. I don't know what I have to do. I have to get out there and get 'involved' but it all seems just so utterly pointless. A world that could only ever be filled with hatred, regret and sadness.

I just feel like giving up everything, just stop looking, stop feeling. Anything. Just accept the cold but brutal reality. That I am meant to be alone for all eternity. That I have to settle for something meaningless. Settle for a coupling between people who don't really understand each other, who have no connection. People who don't really love each other, people who just came together for nothing more than convenience sake. Settle for something empty.

I don't know why it's so hard, so excruciatingly painful... is it that i'm hurting people? People that I can't see? People I don't know? I don't know why I deserve this. Was I not supposed to want to something like this? I just don't know. I know everyone is sick of me and my pathetic person. Even as I write this, I do nothing but cause pain and hurt.
All I can say is i'm sorry.
I'm sorry for all the things i've done, that i'm doing.
Sorry for things that I don't understand.
Sorry for my feelings.
Sorry for being me.