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#61
05-26-2010, 11:16 PM
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"Mo’at’s eyes continued to burn with a bright fury that went un-subdued by Eytukan’s taunts..."
"The clan picked up on Mo’at’s fury, and continued to move backwards, slowly but surely as Mo’at prowled towards them..." "...even Grace stopped with her churlish expressions and snapped her attention to Jake’s face." Oh my heavens, Txon: your writing is CAPTIVATING, both in the vocabulary you used and how you've fit those words into such descriptive prose. I am now suspicious that you're only 15... And as always, the dialogue is COMPLETELY believable, from the somewhat stilted and formal English spoken by Mo'at to the tone of Grace's words. The "Word Nerd" in me salutes the wordsmith in you... ...and demands "MOAR"!!! (Edit: I just read Txon's message saying a new installment is due each Wednesday. Waaaah! You mean I have to wait a whole week? *starts to tremble from withdrawal*)
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  Much love and gratitude to TxonTirea for my sig--squish you! Last edited by Na'vi taw'ite; 05-26-2010 at 11:18 PM. Reason: added to message 
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#64
05-26-2010, 11:35 PM
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Yup, schedule says next Wednesday. You people should be happy now you know when you're getting your dose of Fanfiction! <3 
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#66
05-28-2010, 06:10 PM
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You'd better do more than one per week then...
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#70
05-30-2010, 12:37 PM
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Here's something I haven't mentioned before, it's not too important so don't worry about it.
but when you use speech you HAVE to have something after it for example. “What in the name of....She would never come here. Never. Something is wrong” should be “What in the name of....She would never come here. Never. Something is wrong...” It has to have a comma a full stop etc after the speech before the end of the ". Other than that nice story 
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http://www.tree-of-souls.com/communi...tml#post121731
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#71
05-30-2010, 07:32 PM
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Other than that, yeah. But it is the tinyest error...
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#73
06-03-2010, 12:41 AM
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Chapter 7:
Jake stood gazing across the bioluminescent forest, towards where he knew the Omaticaya would be huddled. All of them could be with the ones they loved, why couldn’t he and Tsu? “Probably because we’re mutants “Muttered Jake softly. Turning around and walking back into the shadowy embrace of the Hells Gate science block interior, their makeshift “Home”. Glancing around the small room, he saw Tsu’tey sleeping soundly on a small bunk. Tsu’tey was so beautiful and so peaceful. He stared at his lover’s face for what seemed like for an eternity, until a voice interrupted his daydreams: “He is a great man Jake Sully” Mo’at almost purred into his ear, making Jake stumble forwards, standing up hastily. “Yeah, yes...I mean, Srane.” “Do not be frightened by my presence Jake. I have seen the way you stare at him, the way you shower him with love just from a gaze” Jake’s cheeks flushed, how long had she been watching him? “Mo’at, what are you doing? You’re jeopardizing your life with Eytukan, and the Omaticaya by staying here. We are not worth it.” Mo’at stared at Jake for a long time, and with a sigh, sat down near the window. “Ma Jake, Eytukan cannot see what you and Tsu’tey have. He would have seen, before the...battle, and after the loss of Neytiri...” Jake’s heart still felt pangs of sorrow, but his face didn’t show it. “...His sight seems to have left him. I do not know what happened to him, it may be the hatred of your past race that has clouded his mind. I just do not know.” Jake tried to keep looking at Mo’at, but he couldn’t. He felt so much guilt for even mentioning hurting Eytukan in any way. That would be one memory to look back on, or at least one he would remember for the rest of his – “Jake?” Tsu’tey had risen from the bunk, and stood to walk over to Jake. “Tsu, go back to sleep...Me and Mo’at were just.....talking” “I know, and I’ve been listening” -- Some members of the Omaticaya had gathered together in a small tent, expressing doubts about the actions of Eytukan. “Why would he do this? Eywa hasn’t struck Jake Sully or Tsu’tey down for their love, and I do not think she would.” “We need to help them; they’re trapped up in that horrible tawtute base!” “How can WE help them? We would be removed from the clan too!” “I am going to help Jake Sully and his friends. Anyone who doesn’t want a part in that, move along.” -- Eytukan paced his tent, plotting his next move. What would he do? Thinking of Jake, he growled the words: “Tìyerkup skxawng!” Why must they do this, he could leave them be if Mo’at would just stay with the clan. But not now, something must be done. They turned his mate against him, they must pay. -- Jake awoke lying next to Tsu’tey and smiled broadly. He remembered what Tsu’tey had said to him last night, and how they had slept in each other’s arms. Still smiling, he roused himself from the bunk, and walked over to the window. Seeing a group of Na’vi walking up the path towards the base, Jake’s muscles tensed. Whatever they had come here for, they would be leaving bruised and beaten if they came to hurt him or any of his friends. Jake’s eyes tracked the Na’vi for a few more moments, before deciding to confront them. He put on the headdress he received during the crisis, and strode out of the door towards them. Reaching the gate before they did, he raised himself to his full height, tensed his muscles to try and look as intimidating as possible. He opened the gate, coming face to face with a young male Omaticaya. Jake growled as menacingly as possible: “What are you doing here?” The young clan member looked scared out of his wits, which was just what Jake wanted, scared opponents make more mistakes. “I’ll ask you again, WHAT.ARE.YOU.DOING.HERE!?” “We’re here to help you!” “Help me? Excuse me while I let my guard down elsewhere. Tell me why you’re REALLY here!” “Rutxe Toruk Makto, We are here to help you!” The phrase Toruk Makto threw Jake; no-one had called him that for quite some time. He stepped back, and strongly said: “Explain yourselves. Now.” The kids backed up quite a bit, well out of hitting range of Jake. “We don’t agree with what Eytukan is doing, not at all. We came to help you with the small things like food and water.” “Are you being a smartass with me?” “Kehe! Kawkrr!” “Siltsan... Carry on.” “Well, we...we just don’t agree with Eytukan, we think he has lost his sight.” The boy’s friends seemed as astonished he had said that as the boy himself. Jake’s expression softened. “You guys don’t have to do this, you know? You are just kids; don’t ruin your lives for something you don’t understand for something as fickle as loyalty.” “It’s not fickle, and we DO understand.” “Are you SURE?” “Srane, completely.” Jake smiled at the kids, strong willed as they were; it would be a huge shock to their system to have to keep secrets from their clan. Back on Earth, humans were always keeping secrets. “Probably why society is such a shambled wreckage” Thought Jake. “Ok, here’s what I need you to do...” (TBC) *Yaaaaaaaaaaawn* 00:40 @ Time of writing this. Im tired. I really enjoyed writing this one, in fact, I enjoy all of them! Anyways, sticking to the schedule as I said I would. <33 Written to: Story Of The Year - Razorblades Oh, and to anyone that didn't understand the Na'vi in the chapter: Siltsan = Good Kehe = No Kawkrr = Never Rutxe = Please Tìyerkup skxawng = That moron is going to die!
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Last edited by TxonTirea; 06-03-2010 at 12:49 AM.
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