I need some help here...

[Human No More]

There are just some times like today when I really feel I can't do anything. I have absolutely no clue where I'm going in life, I'm at university at the moment but since Avatar, I am completely changed. I really don't want to spend the rest of my life stuck in endlessly working. Really, I don't know WHAT I want to do, at all.

Whenever I stop doing anything, even for a second, my mind drifts back to Pandora, I just can't do anything because I keep realising it's all pointless. If I was on Pandora I wouldn't need to worry about anything any more. I'd be free. I want to here but I don't see how it's possible, since everything is so dominated by work and money.

So much of what I do is Avatar now, reading these forums, listening to the OST, watching Avatar more times than I can really afford, playing the Avatar game, even just thinking of Pandora.

I used to think PAD would fade, but it hasn't. If anything, it's getting stronger, and I only ever really felt worse right at the start, when I wasn't even sure of the cause. I'm always thinking of Pandora, of the Na'vi, of how I would rather be flying on an Ikran, or walking through the bioluminescence at night, or just with other Na'vi.

I really long for something like the Na'vi have, a real sense of belonging. They have such happiness, something humans never have, just from each other. Humans all ignore each other, only ever focusing on their own lives.
I guess I'm really lonely too, Neytiri made me See that. I never used to think about this at all, but now I realise just how much I want someone who Sees me, someone who I can really be with for the rest of my life. Of course, I still have the problem that I just don't find humans interesting compared to Na'vi, but even past that, I want the right person for me and I wouldn't really mind.

I'd still much rather be Na'vi, if I had a chance to drop everything right now and become Na'vi, I would without hesitation. I just want to go to Pandora, personally, I think it DOES exists - SOMEWHERE, after all, the universe is big enough. But being unable to reach it just makes me feel so depressed.

I really didn't expect anything from Avatar, I just thought it'd just be a film, one with good visuals and a nice idea maybe, but just a film. I really didn't expect it to show me my life and what was wrong. Now I think back, I've never really been happy, I just thought I was because it was better than my previous situation. Now I have it all in context, I realise how much was missing.

As Jake said, "It's hard to believe it's only been 3 months. I can barely remember my old life. I don't know who I am any more."

Anyway, thanks for reading all this, sorry if it's really long, I just started writing what I feel and it kept going. Just wanted to explain what's going on with me right now, hopefully people will See