Lamest qq rant ever.

[Autumnshire]

Hello, my Family, my Friends

Today was an odd day. I had the intention of spending my one day off peacefully - go to the little forest I enjoy so much, scrunch my bare feet into the earth and have a little calm time. Oooh isn't life funny how it does and doesn't work out sometimes.
Instead, I ended up in a bit of conflict with someone. I knew it would happen at some point today, just not when. I did manage to get to the little forest, but did know that I would not be having much calm time there. So I sat and jotted a few notes down - to you guys. I wanted to post the letter here because you need to know you all helped me get through something without actually doing anything then and there

"My dear friends,

I write this to you in quite a state. Well, in... confusion? No. I write this with difficulty. How blessed am I that I have you all to rely on. To hear my thoughts without prejudice (I hope).
I'm afraid I have a hard time letting go. Right now it's a person in particular who keeps hurting, keeps hurting me. Yet I've kept him in my life for a stupid reason that I can't even identify.
Wow... the rain is really pouring on me (literally).

For the past four months I've been tossing up whether to keep this person in my life or not - as friends, as acquaintances, as whatever - to just keep the peace, and avoid the heartache of shutting someone out of my life completely. It's been a constant emotional struggle. Today I waited all day to hear from him as he said we'd 'hang out'... try and talk over some of our issues so that we can could carry on in whatever way in peace.
I waited, I waited, I waited. 11AM passed... I texted, reminding him we'd set today aside. He told me he was busy just then but would call me soon. Lunchtime, then 1PM passed...2PM... 3PM!! And now, here I am. Again feeling hopeless. It's a typical story. He missed my graduation (after promising to be there). He never turned up when I really needed his help building a new aviary for my birds because they needed to be moved from their old house. Same old story. When I've been depressed I've tried my luck - told him that I'm in need of a shoulder to cry on. But I have to fight, and beg him to even give me a few minutes of his time.
I know, it sounds so pathetic. And it really is. But we were together about a year and a half (my longest relationship). It pains me knowing how unimportant I've suddenly become. Please don't get me wrong. I have zero romantic feelings for this person whatsoever. I just thought that after everything, I could count on him. That was the biggest lie I've told myself for so long, though.

Ah, ow, pain. And today I find out that he's been with his other ex gf - one he broke up with me because of. I don't see eye to eye with her. She convinced him that I'm soulless and selfish and only out to destroy people. That hurt me a lot, and I don't believe it. I have a big heart. One of the biggest I know of irl. In fact, what she said is utter bull****, really. I think you guys would agree. And you know me, you know my heart - I'm constantly speaking from it here. Could you imagine me being selfish!!? Perhaps the only selfish thing I do is reach out to people when I'm feeling depressed. But is that really selfish? Anyway, he took her word for it over what he knew to be true, and that hurt even more.
Ack, he's on his way here right now.
I have no idea what's about to happen, or what I'm going to say. Give me strength...

**

I still don't know what to say. I've seen him, I'm in his car (he's getting something from his parent's house), and I need to think about what you guys would tell me to do. Well, most of you would not *tell* me to do anything, so to speak. You would advise me, though. I'm pretty sure I know what you'd advise me to do Just before, I said some good things, fair and true things to him. I'm proud for that. But I also - typical me - fell apart. I need to realise that this is like someone trying to convince Mum to stop smoking - she's not going to do so unless she herself wants to. This whole thing of trying to make this guy understand how the cruddy treatment is not ok, is a lost cause. He's not going to understand things unless he wants to. What am I even doing...? Why do I even care...? I don't need this person in my life. What's the point in keeping in touch with someone who is just a black cloud...? Why do I feel this need to hang on...? I know what I need to say. It's simple... why am I so torn? Ye gods I'm gonna need some massive Na'vi hugs when I get back. This rain's not helping! Although it is kinda fun. I'm soaked through my dress - under the two jackets I brought along!! I look like I've been swimming, lol.
Am I stupid, pinning my hope and strength on people I've never before met?
No.
Here he comes.. this is it!"

**

And I'm back. Back home, and back *Home*, to here. It was hilarious - while talking to him I had the Avatar soundtrack playing through one headphone, and 'War' came on when he turned up. Made me laugh. Made me realise that I'll be okay, and I do have people I can turn to when I'm in need. Ugh, hugs really go such a long way with me, but I'm unimaginably appreciative that at least I have you guys here to fall back on. Sorry I fall back on you so often Don't know what's wrong with me.
Anyway. I'm somewhat sad-ish now. We talked to and fro, him blaming me a lot, me getting more and more upset until I finally realised that there was absolutely no point. I actually laughed out loud, said, "Man, I'm kidding myself! Things will never be right!" and just left.

Hmm. But yeah, feeling pretty down. I'm good at shutting people out of my life, unfortunately, but I guess it will take some time to be truly okay with it. I'll still check my phone at stupidly short intervals to see if there's a "I'm so sorry for everything!" text there, and I'll feel a slight pang of hurt when I find that there isn't. But I know it will get better. I guess there's a kind of grieving process to go through. I don't want that to sound silly - it's just processing all the hurt and coming to terms with everything. I'm just so, so glad that I'll be leaving this place (erm, my hometown, not *this* ToS place!!) on the 24th of June for a few months...
And I'm so, so glad and so, SO lucky to have found this amazing community who put up with my nonsense way more than they should.

Sorry, to anyone who has read my ridiculous rant.

But thank you.

Hmm. Sammy's in need of some hugs.

Thanks guys. Love you all. See you all. With you all.