I Almost Snapped Today At Work

[Stanley_9875]

I know a lot of you are from other parts of the world and not sure if the same phrases are thrown around like my title I almost snapped... snapped means lost control, just had enough, I can't take it anymore, just letting things build up until their breaking point, ect. ect. I've talked to a few people around here asking if they feel appreciative at their jobs, and most answers were, "no I don't, I only remember getting one thanks" and lots of responses like those. Well today I'm working as usual... I work at a trucking company scanning paperwork, and the scanning process is slow... Click, click, click, enter, enter pro number and click save, wait... click okay, wait... click "X" for that sheet and repeat process... and the waiting is pretty long. So I bring in my Avatar journal (AKA just my everyday journal since my life pretty much revolves around everything Avatar related lol), read fanfics I printed out, downsize my internet screen so I can surf here while having the loading bar at the bottom of the screen visible so when its done I can continue on with the mind numbing routine... its only a couple more months till I graduate college.

Anyways today I was writing in my journal, and then I got a tap on the shoulder (at this point its a big stack of papers and the bigger the stack the longer the waiting, so I knew this would take a while) I turned around to see it was one of the women I don't normally talk to but know and she looked at me and said, "Nows not a time for homework, you need to be caught up on scanning and continue your work" and then she left before I could say anything (side note: also my boss is out on vacation). I grit my teeth and mumbled underneath my breath but put the notebook away and just sat there staring at the screen waiting. after a couple more scans I got frustrated of not doing crap, so I logged on to ToS and began PMing someone, and I would copy and paste what they said onto wordpad so I'm not technically on the internet lol (I know I'm playing with fire) but again small screen so I can see the loading bar. I'm sitting there reading and then I get another tap on the shoulder and its the same lady again. "I'm serious, get OFF the internet... this is your final warning or this is going on your record... get back to scanning" then she turned and walked away. Heres what I wrote in my notebook after she left...

I swear to you if these people here aren't careful with what they say next to me I fear (In a way) I'm going to snap... not snap like bring a gun to work or anything but snap as if in get up in the person(s) face and yelling till my lungs give up, letting my mind out right in their face... my heart is racing, my hands are as steady as a pole that collided into another pole, I can feel the blood in my body flowing throw my veins faster than they've been in a while... the adrenaline of just walking into the persons office, slamming my hand on their desk, shove everything... I mean everything... out off the desk, and say I've had enough of their (explicit word, could be more than one). Just scream two inches from their face how I truly feel about my position, my pay, and how much I feel about them and their (again more than one explicit word). I hate to say this next part (it truly hurts me emotionally) but I had to grab a pen and use the opposite end of the tip and use the rough edge to scratch my arm, not to the point of bleeding, but just to release this anger that I cannot release right now. My fevers beyond boiling point and theres nothing I can do with all this anger... I think back to the scene in Fight Club when the main character begins to beat the living daylights out of himself in front of his boss... "under and behind and inside everything this man (in my case woman) takes for granted something terrible had been growing"

Looking back on it, having a couple hours to think on it I hate to see myself like that and I'm sure it pains you too to see me like that... I hate myself when I'm like that, but its not the whole fact of her telling me to log of whatever and scan, its the whole fact she's unappreciative. I've never heard a thank you from her, I've only gotten like one or two thanks for the year and a half I've been working there. All I get is "you need to work harder, your not working fast enough, I need these done now..." I'm never good enough there for anyone.

Sorry wow that felt good to get out. I'm a lot better now it's just in the heat of the moment my mind runs wild