"I Don't Know Who You Are Anymore..."

[Stanley_9875]

Thats what my mom said to me last night. She's said I've changed, and appariently not for the better. When I heard this I was shocked. I thought I was changing... progressing for the better. My attitude has changed, my mindset has changed, I thought I was spreading more peace, love, unity, and respect. I would say, "Hi, how are you doing?" to as many people as I could everyday, I would smile and throw the peace symbol to whoever I made eye contact on the road with, I've stopped the rude comments I would throw at people, I can't judge anymore, and I can never hate someone. I think long and hard about different subject (example, What Is Love, what does I See You truly mean, things like that).

She also claims that it worries her when I come home, eat dinner with the family, then go into my room, shut the door and be on my laptop for the rest of the night. I respond, "because I'm conversing with my friends" (keep in mind I'm 19). She then responded that I don't spend enough time with the family. Does she bother me when I'm in my room reading for the rest of the night? No, so whats the difference? It's not like we do anything anyways, my dad either works on something outside (like the spa, pool, the front yard) or watch TV, my little sister stays in her room and does whatever, and my mom is usually in the kitchen grading papers (she teaches 5th grade). I just don't see the problem. Do I love my family at home? I love them to death. To me I don't feel like I converse with you all enough. You, aytsmukan si aytsmuke truly understand me. I just felt like telling my mom, "because they truly understand me!" I don't feel like my family or friends here understand me, truly do like you do. When I started wearing the Kandi bracelets, my family looked at me with a strange look, and when I tried explaining them to my other friends, none of them understood either, and they also gave me a weird look (except for two friends, anothers also a raver, and the other thinks its a great idea). For me these bracelets go far beyond the sign that I'm a raver, its a symbol of a strong friendship. I seperate the bracelets I made from those whom I made for my family here (sorry I haven't made all of yours yet, I've been really busy lately, but I'll let you know when they're done also if you would like one for me to remember you by and we can hopefully exchange in the future, send me a PM and I'll be glad to make you one) onto seperate arms. When I look at the arm with the bracelets I made for you, I see a someone who is close to me, I see that person and I feel close to them whenever I'm away from my computer. I also see when I see them all a community, a community that loves each other, understands, and loves each other, a community I call family. Try explaining that to people over and over again, and 95% of the time getting looks like I'm crazy. So now if someone asks and i know for a fact they won't udnerstand, I tell them, "you wouldn't understand if I told you."

Usually after being gone for 12 hours a day, I'm just ready to go home and relax. Throughout my day I've got ideas to spread with you all on ToS, I want to talk on chat, I miss you all. And to be completely honest, I'm a little tired of coming home to the same house everyday. Somedays, I just don't want to come home I just want to drive for forever. Like I said, I love my family to death, I just feel to suffocated at home. I feel really bad for saying that but I do. Having a curfew on weekdays (it's a little embarrassing telling my friends at school who have an apartment I can't go canyon driving because my mom says I have to be home at a certain time, so I have to make up some BS excuse), things like that. I feel its the time in my life when I want full independance.

Am I not showing my family the same love I show others outside of home? I also remember my sister a little jokingly said, "you've changed since watching Avatar." It might be because I'm still trying to figure myself out as well.