My P.A.D. is back...

[Fighter-of-Wars]

Well, I guess the topic is a little misleading because after I first experienced Avatar I got Euphoria not depression. I guess I was on borrowed time because I got P.A.D. real bad now. Lemme explain.

Day before yesterday was my last day working on this job and all I do on my job is drive so needless to say I have 12 hours to just think. I started thinking about a thread I read on here and one of the posts was talking about how human ears were adapted to hearing acute sounds in the rain-forest and then I read that that ability is atrophying or something and I thought why?

Before Avatar I had always wanted to live a tribal life much like Native Americans did, I talked with many family members about this and got poor responses. I loved the live that I read about in history books, saw in movies, and read in novels. The everyday adventure, challenge for survival, the community. And then that feeling went away for awhile and didn't resurface after I watched Avatar either.

For one reason or another it resurfaced that day, and oh man. I started planning in my head how I was going to change my life, I sat all day driving thinking of how I was going to do it. I was going to develop skills needed for survival in wilderness, where I was going to live at. I figured somewhere in the Canadian Wilderness since that would be the easiest place to get to and would guarantee my plan worked.

These weren't fleeting thoughts either, I was serious. But then, after a few hours of planning I got to where how I was going to leave, what would I say. See way things are planning out for me, I work on the family farm that has been in my family for 3 generations, and I'm next in line. And over these past 80 years all my family has worked there lives to make it what it is now and I'm really close to my family and I thought I would just leave and put a note on the table saying where I went. But then I thought about my dad waking up in the morning to start his day and seeing my note on the table. What would he do? What would the rest of my family do?

And that thought just hurt. My mom said to me the day before to follow my dreams. Because if you don't you'll regret it. I was torn, I love my family and my dad very much but the thought of leaving them behind was almost too much. But then I pushed that thought aside and thought about the life in the wilderness with the freedom. But again my plan came rushing to a halt, I thought about what Jake said in Avatar. "I fell in love with the forest, and the Omaticaya people, and with you"

And that just did it, I knew I would love to be in the forest with the challenge of fighting for life everyday but I would be alone, no one, there would be no community of friends, no family, just me. No one to share my freedom with, no one to share the thrill of the hunt, the joy of the catch, the warmth of a fire. And that's when I knew that it wasn't just the forest, it was the people. And I knew it would never work.

Now, I feel trapped. I can't get out, I can't stay. A few times the thought of yeah.... entered my head but then the thought of what would happen to my family would stop me...

I can't see in my head living this life till the end of my days. Not farming in general but modern living.

Getting up, working, sleeping. There is no adventure of bringing in the kill, there is no community working together to help each other through the winter, there is no dance around the fire at night to celebrate living.

People say that Native Americans did well to just get by and that people now a days actually get a chance to live and do what we want. I think its the other way around.

Native Americans lived everyday they laughed with friends at the evenings campfire, they swam in the rivers and fished, the list goes on and on. We just survive this day so we can make it to the weekends to try and pack enough excitement and fun into those 2 days to make up for the lame of the other 5.

I just can't stand it. I hate it. The thought of this dullness going on till the day I die.

Sure, people say life is what you make of it, but what does a man have to work with? Jump back 300 years, there were tribes out on the plains, there was no boundaries, you could drive your stake anywhere and call it home. You could carve a living yourself almost anywhere.

Today, it's just not the same. You have to go to either frozen tundra, scorching desert, Cold Northern forest, humid rain-forest that's thousand of miles away. And even after that you will still be alone, because no one else will be willing to go with you.

Sorry if this post just dragged on to long, I had to get these feelings out, I could sit here and type for a few more hours about what I have been feeling but then the few who will read this much will go, "No way dude."