Avatar-related book: What do you think of this prologue?

[Clarke]

I'm writing a sci-fi book to do with Avatar, and I've managed to polish up a sort of taster for you. Here's a link: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/19813390/HelloEarth.rtf.
(In case it failed to come across, Chiron is a fictional star.)

Now, this isn't fanfic, IMO, for the simple reason that that isn't in Avatar's universe. It's an entirely original universe, but, as you can probably tell, it's very much connected to Avatar's. There's a very good reason for this, but it's actually a plot point, so it'd defeat the purpose explaining it here.

So please, go read it, and tell me what you think. It's almost impossible that it's perfect, and I can take criticism, so fire away.

[Clarke]

It'd be helpful if someone had told me the link was 404ing. Fixed it now.

[mikkowilson]

I don't read much sci-fi; but the beginning seemed just a little overly disjointed in the attempt to confuse, yet intrigue the reader. I felt like I was having to push a little too hard to get through it due to it's complexity without any slower introduction.

Overall I like it though. It definitely has potential to grow off into a very cool story.

- Mikko

[Human No More]

That's interesting - seemed a bit weird at the start though - I got the impression that it was an intentional attempt to confuse the reader. If not, then you might want to work on that part

I can't really offer advice on the writing itself, but I like it. One thing though, is "the spindly one eats the original cell" - doesn't really work in terms of cell interaction as a process - engulfs might be better.
Also, small crypto nitpick: "addressed to your public key" - a message is encrypted with one, then it can only be decrypted with the paired private key - it isn't something most people would really notice, but if you say it's "encrypted with your public key" instead, that makes more sense - biology and computers are the two things I really know well, I'd be happy to point out any more such things on those.

Last paragraph == WIN

[Moco Loco]

Originally Posted by Human No More

That's interesting - seemed a bit weird at the start though - I got the impression that it was an intentional attempt to confuse the reader.
Last paragraph == WIN

For real! I kind of like the picture of what I think is going on, but I have no idea if I'm way off or not.

[Cyvaris]

Originally Posted by Moco Loco

For real! I kind of like the picture of what I think is going on, but I have no idea if I'm way off or not.

Considering Clarke and I are old internet buddies and I have read over some of his other stuff....odds are we are ALL way off.

[Clarke]

Originally Posted by Human No More

That's interesting - seemed a bit weird at the start though - I got the impression that it was an intentional attempt to confuse the reader. If not, then you might want to work on that part

Yeah, that's mostly intentional. Charlie isn't the main viewpoint character, but he gives you a better idea of how the world works, since the actual main character is a bit of a Luddite. (His chapters should be far easier to follow, since he doesn't have programs interrupting him.)

I can't really offer advice on the writing itself, but I like it. One thing though, is "the spindly one eats the original cell" - doesn't really work in terms of cell interaction as a process - engulfs might be better.

Well, I was imagining it as a sort of disassembly, like this, but I know nothing about biology. (I haven't even dissected a frog. ) I'll change it next time I revise everything.

Also, small crypto nitpick: "addressed to your public key" - a message is encrypted with one, then it can only be decrypted with the paired private key - it isn't something most people would really notice, but if you say it's "encrypted with your public key" instead, that makes more sense - biology and computers are the two things I really know well, I'd be happy to point out any more such things on those.

I know this, honest. I think my logic was that if you know which computers/people own which public keys, then the public key also functions as an address that you can "deliver" uninterceptable messages to.

Though if you like unreliable narrators, then Charlie doesn't know you don't know how the 21.5 century Internet works, so he doesn't bother explaining it.

Last paragraph == WIN

Originally Posted by Cyvaris

Considering Clarke and I are old internet buddies and I have read over some of his other stuff....odds are we are ALL way off.

I'll make sure you don't need a context dump for the next section, m'kay?

[Clarke]

There is more! And it is less convoluted!
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/19813390/HelloEarth2.rtf

[Sacred Tsahaylu]

Like I said on IRC, I enjoyed it and I'm not a sci-fi reader. I've been recommended some sci-fi so maybe I'll venture into the genre.
Also Morden so does equal G-Man :p

[Sight Unseen]

Wow, this is really good. After the first page of the first part, which is kind of confusing, it really just takes off. And it's actually readable, a very rare thing compared to most stories on the internet. There's no gaping holes in the science, you describe your characters well, and I love where the plot is going. Moar plz!

It really is full of Avatar allusions too. Major T. Sullivan (Tom Sully), the hair braid computer, the creepy dude making the Oel ngati kameie gesture...

Oh also, I'm not one to speculate, but the use of ANDES to specify the Na'vi species to me suggests that this particular group of Na'vi live in or near a Pandoran mountain range.

[Clarke]

And there is moar!

[Unknown]

Wow, I love it. It's getting a lot easier to follow now and I like where it's going. Are you going to put it on fanfic.net (or does it not really count as a fanfic? )?