Dying friend...what to do? - Tree of Souls

ahoragi · #1 09-05-2011, 04:21 PM

My long time girlfriend's father is dying at this time. He has a few days, if not a week, left to live. She just got over her grandmother dying last week and now this so it's a pretty tough time for her and I'm doing what I can to make her feel better.

We plan to visit her father tomorrow but I'm very nervous about this. I just heard that he's having a very hard time breathing and his chest hurts so it seems his time is coming. I dunno what to say or what to do when I get there.

Has anyone experienced a situation like this, being around a person who's dying?

I don't want to say the wrong thing and make him cry, or mention something that will trigger a bawling session among everyone. I could just stand back in the background and observe but deep down inside I want to do something to make his last days as pleasant as possible.

I dunno what to do.

Help?

Thanks

Human No More · #2 09-05-2011, 04:38 PM

Sorry to hear

I haven't been in such a situation myself, but I would guess just to avoid bringing things up, as people can take something very differently. Try to take cues from other people, the mood of a group can show a lot about what you should say and do. Obviously, it won't be particularly happy, but I would guess a lot of people just want to see the people they care about before they go.

ahoragi · #3 09-05-2011, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Human No More

Sorry to hear

I haven't been in such a situation myself, but I would guess just to avoid bringing things up, as people can take something very differently. Try to take cues from other people, the mood of a group can show a lot about what you should say and do. Obviously, it won't be particularly happy, but I would guess a lot of people just want to see the people they care about before they go.

yeah that's why we are going up there first thing after work cuz she don't want to miss out on his finals days like she did with her grandmother. Her grandmother passed away peacefully in bed in a nursing home but she didn't see her for about 3-4 weeks so she's kinda guilty about that. I just hope that her dad wishes for something and I can step up and fullfill it for him. I would be honored.

**Fkeu'itan** · #4 09-05-2011, 04:51 PM

I'm sorry to hear this, ahoragi...

I would follow HNM's advice here, I suppose it would be best to let things stay quiet and solemn and try to make his passing as comfortable and peaceful as possible for everyone concerned...

It's difficult though, my condolences, again...

Empty Glass · #5 09-05-2011, 08:14 PM

The very least you can do is just be there with him and make sure he isn't alone. You may not need to say anything. Your presence itself may be enough.

**Sight Unseen** · #6 09-06-2011, 05:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Empty Glass

The very least you can do is just be there with him and make sure he isn't alone. You may not need to say anything. Your presence itself may be enough.

^ this.

ahoragi · #7 09-12-2011, 03:41 PM

Well, as sad as it is, he passed yesterday on 9/11 at 12:35pm. He really was eager to watch the Steelers play one last time but.....missed it by a half hour.

It's my first time watching the process of dying and man it was very difficult.

Human No More · #8 09-14-2011, 06:54 AM

I hope you and the family all feel better soon... it isn't easy

**apache_blanca** · #9 09-14-2011, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fkeu'itan

I'm sorry to hear this, ahoragi...

I would follow HNM's advice here, I suppose it would be best to let things stay quiet and solemn and try to make his passing as comfortable and peaceful as possible for everyone concerned...

It's difficult though, my condolences, again...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Empty Glass

The very least you can do is just be there with him and make sure he isn't alone. You may not need to say anything. Your presence itself may be enough.

^^âgree. My condolences, too

see if this can help you & your girlfriend?

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross On Death and Dying

**MOMS Ball Avatar** · #10 09-15-2011, 04:34 AM

I'm sorry for his passing. My condolences too. It's best not to die alone. In a way we enter alone, and we leave alone. It's best to share as much as you can while you are here. It's that important.

It's good to talk to the dying as many people feel uncomfortable doing it. Many people pull back when the contact is needed more than ever. Ask them, (I know this sounds crass but) what would they like on their headstone. flowers on the grave, songs sung, a party (wake) later. They will WANT to talk to you about it. My brother wanted to be cremated and ashes spread over the Pacific. I did it.

I had a party for my mom. With the music going, people drinking, eating and dancing. Her ashes were in a box. I lit a cigarette and put it in an ashtray in front of her, and made here a Tom Collins and put it with a straw to the box and said, "Mom are you having a good time?"

Maybe you should get him a Steelers shirt?

The 5 stages of grief comes next. Shock (denial), anger, bargaining (If we had only...), depression, and acceptance. Take your time going through these. Experience each one fully. Don't move on, or let anyone tell you it'll be okay, or you should be over it by now nonsense. When YOU are ready and done is when it's done. You never really get over it. It just hurts a little less as time goes by.

Talk with other people that all knew'm. That will help you share, remember and be a support group. Remember how they lived, not the last days.

There's books in the library, and stores under grief. I suggest "the Special Care Series" by Doug Manning. It walks you through the third week, third month, sixth month, and eleventh month. It answers questions that you have. It worked for me.

I wish you a good healing, and the love of your friend.

**apache_blanca** · #11 09-15-2011, 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MOMS Ball Avatar

...I had a party for my mom. With the music going, people drinking, eating and dancing.

this is great, I want a party for my funeral too! Like in a salsa song: "When I die I don't want you to cry & mourn - instead, I want you to sing & dance cos I was a happy person, I lived to the full, & I want this written on my tombstone - & I want you to celebrate".

But I agree with this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Human No More

Sorry to hear

...people can take something very differently. Try to take cues from other people, the mood of a group can show a lot about what you should say and do.

Now that he's already gone

it's you, your girlfriend,the families - & how to live thru this situation. Wish you all good & smooth healing.

**Moco Loco** · #12 09-15-2011, 05:04 PM

I want to be cremated, I know that much. I guess I'd like a party too. Sometimes, I imagine I'll get rich and have huge parties at my giant property, and there will be glowing plants and trees everywhere, lots of glowing things. Maybe I'd want a funeral like that too.

ahoragi, my condolences

Human No More · #13 09-15-2011, 11:26 PM

I'd want it to be Na'vi style, got to recycle that energy.

Sempu · #14 09-17-2011, 04:45 AM

Good for you for sticking around through the process, many people would back out.

I agree with apache_blanca's recommendation of Kubler Ross. For helping your girlfriend, I also recommend "The Grief Recovery Handbook," and "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by McWilliams (if you can find it). Both will help you know what helps and what doesn't.