I feel so sick

[Stanley_9875]

Originally Posted by Tsyal Makto

This is kinda where I go off tangent. I'd be willing to work within the confines of society if I find a career that will truly make me happy. There is only one - airline pilot, which I am working toward. Though at the same time I realize that the industry is pretty much in shambles right now, and I might not be able to find a seat in a c0ckpit (censored? Really?). If that is indeed the case, I'm not planning on "settling" on a lesser career, and finding a hobby to pacify myself. If I have to go off the path to find happiness/fulfillment, then I am not afraid (which is where the VW minibus comes in).

Good luck on your automotive career. It sounds like you get the same enjoyment out of that that I get out of flying.

We all feel society's thumb, but I'm not afraid to smash said thumb with a hammer. Yeah, I'm strong willed, I know.

Very cool and thanks! I'm happy for you, but I think you'll be safe as an airline pilot, and thats great that you're working towards it!

[Fkeu'itan]

Oel Ngati Kameie, ZenitYerkes.

I too have felt this way. Maybe not quite to your extent but damn have I felt it. Sometimes I just want to get away from it all, just drop everything and (as rediculous as this may sound) go and live the woodsman's life. It seems that life is a lot tougher but ultimately more rewarding that way.

Partly because of this, I have decided to go volunteering in Borneo for 10 weeks. 4 weeks of that will involve trekking through the rainforest and learning basic survival skills. This way I can see what it is like to live the lifestyle and I can help the people living there and help the environment simultaneously.

I suggest if you want to live the way you talked about in the OP, this may be something worth looking into.

I don't really know if this helped you at all, but at least you can have some comfort knowing that others feel the same way...

[ZenitYerkes]

People, thanks everybody for the support; but I don't feel any better having the evidence right in front of me and the solution way too far away from me.

Answering to Shatner and the psychiatric help, I've been going to the psychologist since a few months ago and realized it's completely useless. Yes you feel some kind of relief when you have told every single issue to the doc, but once you get out of there you realize the problem is still there. I don't want painkillers, I want problem killers. And I know I am the only one who can solve them, so what the sh*t am I supposed to do?

As in answer to all the people who had told me to go find an appealing job or hobby for me, I'd love to do one but the problem is about keeping it: I am a really scatter-minded person, and might find the archery stuff for example quite attractive and once I try it, see it's not all nice and easy then leave it for waterskiing. IDK, that's a persistence problem. Anyway I'll never know if I never try.

Plus, I still don't like a bit the whole screens and walls idea. Sorry, that's me.

And replying to the "do something you find worth working at", I am writing an ambitious essay called project Veritas. I've named it here twice or so, I'm now realizing it's quite too big for me but I won't leave it anyway.

However, the feeling persists. I thought it was just gastroenteritis or something in that mood, but it's like having something waiting to escape out of my chest. Keeping it inside just makes me feel bad.

I can't describe it very well.

But thanks everybody for the support, it does really mean quite much for me.

[comedianmasta]

...

Ok, do it. Let's take a Psych trip, if you will, down that Hypothetical Road. You leave, you give up on life and you just leave. What do you leave behind?

You said you had a wife and kids? yeah? if that what I udnerstand? What would they think. How are THEY going to feel? You just.... give up and leave them... with some money? Oh yeah, well THAT makes it alright, then. You just... leave them with a couple bucks.... a thousand bucks.... a MILLION BILLION or whatever bucks. That'll make it alright, yeah? They won't care at ALL!!!!!

And, no onbe cares? I think the problem you have here is that you don't see. Begin looking deeper into your life, and the people you effect. Wait, you don't effect anyone? You don't MEAN anything in your life? There's your problem... Maybe your problem is not that you're useless or your sick or WHATEVER your problem is. I think your problem is your not being used to your full potential. If you think just LEAVING is ok because you won't effect anyone, maybe THAT'S what we need to change.

Get involved in a homeless shelter... begin helping out a neighbor... Do something ELSE nice for someone else. Get involved in your community. Be someone who other people NEED. Don't just... quit. I mean, if I heard right and you have a family right off the back THEY need you. They need you to at least ACT strong, pull the example, lead the way, otherwise you'll lead them down the exact same apth as yourself...




---------

And this whole fight between Shatner and..... you..... UGH!!!!! You people... Can't we just stop this? Shatner's touchy on this at the moment and you are ALL overreacting. ALL. EVERYONE!

Shatner tried to help, especially since he's doing the same problem. The OP believes it wasn't helpful because he's already seeked help: let me say one thing. I've made my point clear on... Doctors... and I do not believe just because you went there for help means you're gonna wake up one day "cured". You are right when you say this is something you need to GROW out of. Not... walk away from.

I hope this was somewhat helpful...

Originally Posted by hoscba

oh c'mon guys don't fight, we are supposed to be a community of friends not enemies, yeah we have insulted each other, can't we get over it and make up. Some of the community had already left over not feeling welcome and due to fights. C'mon just make up, apologize, don't make the community smaller please. Help each other don't leave or insult even more, we are here for each other to help and be friends.

Its beyond that. You wouldn't understand how deeply hurt I am. And all I tried to do was help someone in a way I have unique qualifications to.

My "friends" would have stood up for me and not let me be mocked for being mentally ill.

[ZenitYerkes]

Originally Posted by comedianmasta

...

Ok, do it. Let's take a Psych trip, if you will, down that Hypothetical Road. You leave, you give up on life and you just leave. What do you leave behind?

You said you had a wife and kids? yeah? if that what I udnerstand? What would they think. How are THEY going to feel? You just.... give up and leave them... with some money? Oh yeah, well THAT makes it alright, then. You just... leave them with a couple bucks.... a thousand bucks.... a MILLION BILLION or whatever bucks. That'll make it alright, yeah? They won't care at ALL!!!!!

And, no onbe cares? I think the problem you have here is that you don't see. Begin looking deeper into your life, and the people you effect. Wait, you don't effect anyone? You don't MEAN anything in your life? There's your problem... Maybe your problem is not that you're useless or your sick or WHATEVER your problem is. I think your problem is your not being used to your full potential. If you think just LEAVING is ok because you won't effect anyone, maybe THAT'S what we need to change.

Get involved in a homeless shelter... begin helping out a neighbor... Do something ELSE nice for someone else. Get involved in your community. Be someone who other people NEED. Don't just... quit. I mean, if I heard right and you have a family right off the back THEY need you. They need you to at least ACT strong, pull the example, lead the way, otherwise you'll lead them down the exact same apth as yourself...




---------

And this whole fight between Shatner and..... you..... UGH!!!!! You people... Can't we just stop this? Shatner's touchy on this at the moment and you are ALL overreacting. ALL. EVERYONE!

Shatner tried to help, especially since he's doing the same problem. The OP believes it wasn't helpful because he's already seeked help: let me say one thing. I've made my point clear on... Doctors... and I do not believe just because you went there for help means you're gonna wake up one day "cured". You are right when you say this is something you need to GROW out of. Not... walk away from.

I hope this was somewhat helpful...

First of all, I am 16. It's enough difficult for me to find a good partner, imagine marrying and having kids.

Second, I'm visiting every weekend I can my grandfather's brother, who suffers from Alzheimer; and I'm also trying to look strong: I've got a little brother whom I won't like to watch me depressed. I'm not though.

But I might have been selfish thinking all over myself only.

However, I'd like to find a solution for this; I won't just leave everything and everyone behind to feel better, I know that's not the way to go and I can control myself not to make anything I could regret in the future. But I still feel bad, I don't know how long I could keep the fake smile on my face or the strong guy look.

This is killing me. I don't know any other word to describe it, but every day that goes by everything turns grayer and grayer; I might find some kind relief on my family or the PC but eventually the sickness returns.

Sh*t, why does everything has to be so goddamn difficult?

[Pa'li Makto]

Woah fkeua vrrtep: you need to end this now..Shatner's hackles are raised, don't make this any worse than what it is now..
Despite this innocently starting out, the damage has been done..let's not get over our heads.
Mental illness is not something to be discussed lightly

[Pa'li Makto]

Originally Posted by ZenitYerkes

First of all, I am 16. It's enough difficult for me to find a good partner, imagine marrying and having kids.

Second, I'm visiting every weekend I can my grandfather's brother, who is with Alzheimer; and I'm also trying to look strong: I've got a little brother whom I won't like to watch me depressed. I'm not though.

But I might have been selfish thinking all over myself only.

However, I'd like to find a solution for this; I won't just leave everything and everyone behind to feel better, I know that's not the way to go and I can control myself not to make anything I could regret in the future. But I still feel bad, I don't know how long I could keep the fake smile on my face or the strong guy look.

This is killing me. I don't know any other word to describe it, but every day that goes by everything turns grayer and grayer; I might find some kind relief on my family or the PC but eventually the sickness returns.

Sh*t, why does everything has to be so goddamn difficult?

I can kind of understand your situation, I've contemplated running off into the wild, especially after returning to uni and seeing the bureaucratic and capitalistic society for what it is..
I feel like breaking every screen and outlet of media and consumerism that I can find in the house..

However, despite my disgust, I keep a clear head and think of the repercussions of my actions and decide to stay put..

Have a look at this, I think maybe me and you share this guy's thoughts:
http://james-camerons-avatar.wikia.c...tar_Withdrawal

[Na'vi taw'ite]

Fkeua Vrrtep and Shatnerpossum: I almost never try to get between two people who aren't getting along (I say "almost" because I've already mediated something between two of our forum-family members, who thankfully are on good terms again), but the exchange between you two is getting more and more hurtful.

Fkeua: IMHO, Shatner's recommendation to Zenit to seek medical help was done so without being belittling or condescending. And for Shatner to later come out and bravely admit he IS being treated for mental illness, I believe, makes it clear that he DOES understand how Zenit feels.

Shatner: I'm sure Fkeua didn't know this about you. I don't blame you for reacting as you did, but the "real ----ing nice of you" bit came across as a bit harsh.

Oh, Shatner: if I could, I would crawl through this screen and hug you. In the truest sense of the phrase, oel ngati kameie, ma tsmukan. I've struggled with depression myself, even contemplated suicide twice, and with the help of meds and counseling, am doing alright. It also doesn't hurt that I truly have met people on this forum who have become my family members, and their support has been invaluable.

Again, Fkeua, I don't think Shatner was mocking or being insulting toward Zenit in his original response to him/her.

And it's been said before: ToS isn't just a forum. The brutal and unfettered honesty with which our family members have been laying out their thoughts and feelings should be proof enough that this is home to our family. And just as there are bound to be squabbles within a family, I know that disagreements arise here on ToS as well. But I echo hoscba's and Pa'li Makto's sentiments: if it is at ALL possible, I would love to see a resolution between you two, Shatner and Fkeua. I've not interacted much with either of you personally, but you both are part of our "family"...and I don't want to see this escalate any further.

Please...

[Anima]

ZenitYerkes, I also recoignize the feelings you talk abolut. When I was your age i feelt very alone and when it got really bad i even had suicidal thoughts. But everything got better, wich I understand prboably is no comfort for you.

When I read your posts, i get the feeling there's nothing in life that makes you feel better? Or there are things but its only for the moment? Like more people already said, try to focus on that stuff, the good stuff. There are theories that say that we are only totally happy when we are fully concentrated on a task of some kind. It's kind of that for me. I need to do something all the time or I think to much about bad stuff in my life (this makes it really hard to fall asleep cause my brain takes the chance to torture me with heavy thoughts)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you must try to find the things that actually makes you feel good! And try to make them more and more. What I realiezed late in life is that my life is what I make it. I was always trying to blame destiny and so on for my difrerent lifesituations. I was the victim of my life. But I'm not, I'm the boss of my life (even though there always will be things in life I won't be able to change or influence). If you se what I mean

I also agree with the ones who say do something for others, volunteer, help out a local shelter or something like that. When I feel bad I like to think that atleast I helped someone.

I don't know if this makes any sense or if it helps in any way but I really hope you can find a way to make your life feel good and fullfilling, whatever the way may be.

[Leonopteryx]

all i gotta say here, is WOW. shatner put himself out there, and it was thrown into his face. thats harsh. i feel bad for you, ive had it happen too, and i felt VERY betrayed.

PERSONALLY: i agree with what shatner said. you need to talk to SOMEBODY, a shrink may be best, or friends (thats all up to you).

[ZenitYerkes]

Originally Posted by Grif

Before you do anything, read Into the Wild. Trust me, just read it.

I've just read the summary, and I think that's quite an extreme. I won't say "that won't happen to me, I'm a strong guy" and all, but I have to say that I'm not comfortable at all with the city.

I'll see what I do; for the moment buy the book.

Originally Posted by Anima

ZenitYerkes, I also recoignize the feelings you talk abolut. When I was your age i feelt very alone and when it got really bad i even had suicidal thoughts. But everything got better, wich I understand prboably is no comfort for you.

When I read your posts, i get the feeling there's nothing in life that makes you feel better? Or there are things but its only for the moment? Like more people already said, try to focus on that stuff, the good stuff. There are theories that say that we are only totally happy when we are fully concentrated on a task of some kind. It's kind of that for me. I need to do something all the time or I think to much about bad stuff in my life (this makes it really hard to fall asleep cause my brain takes the chance to torture me with heavy thoughts)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that you must try to find the things that actually makes you feel good! And try to make them more and more. What I realiezed late in life is that my life is what I make it. I was always trying to blame destiny and so on for my difrerent lifesituations. I was the victim of my life. But I'm not, I'm the boss of my life (even though there always will be things in life I won't be able to change or influence). If you se what I mean

I also agree with the ones who say do something for others, volunteer, help out a local shelter or something like that. When I feel bad I like to think that atleast I helped someone.

I don't know if this makes any sense or if it helps in any way but I really hope you can find a way to make your life feel good and fullfilling, whatever the way may be.

See, my problem has always been that I've always chosen a machine before a person to pass the evening.

So when I try to get out of the screens I just crash against the "You're alone buddy" wall. Nothing's fun if you got no friends out there; try to go to the city center or the cinema by yourself and you'll be completely bored. At least I am.

And I don't know how to meet new people, just going to the bar at the corner and tell the closest girl "Helloooo pretty" it's not my style to be honest; and meeting people by the Internet isn't either (sorry for all the people who do this). I'd like to meet people apart from the superficial beings I live with. But I suppose people like the ones I'm looking for are dying out.

I don't know. In fact it seems like I never did.

What I like to do is now an absolute mystery for me. I used to say I liked drawing but now I barely touch the pencil and paper. I like to write but don't come up with something finished ever. And now I'm being attracted to archery and martial arts but I won't like them see become just a thing I was curious to try and eventually left apart.

I suppose it's all about trying.

Anyway, I'd like to join a summercamp in the wild, or make an exchange to a place with outdoor program. I miss so much the natural of my old paramilitary summercamp.

I'm going out right now. I have to do something with the rest of the wasted day. Maybe a walk on the beach, or around the city.

[rapunzel77]

Zenit, You have so much to offer. You have a very creative mind and a thoughtful way of looking at the world (judging from your story). Don't let that go to waste. I understand the lethargic feeling of not wanting to do anything because you get bored, etc. It is probably a good thing to get some fresh air and gain a new perspective. I hope you will feel better.

As for as meeting others, it is difficult if you are shy. I know how that is. You don't feel that you can talk or relate to anyone. I'm sure there are people out there that are willing to get to know you. I hate the feeling of lonliness too. It afflicts us all .

[tallbluewanderer]

Originally Posted by ZenitYerkes

See, my problem has always been that I've always chosen a machine before a person to pass the evening.

So when I try to get out of the screens I just crash against the "You're alone buddy" wall. Nothing's fun if you got no friends out there; try to go to the city center or the cinema by yourself and you'll be completely bored. At least I am.

And I don't know how to meet new people, just going to the bar at the corner and tell the closest girl "Helloooo pretty" it's not my style to be honest; and meeting people by the Internet isn't either (sorry for all the people who do this). I'd like to meet people apart from the superficial beings I live with. But I suppose people like the ones I'm looking for are dying out.

I don't know. In fact it seems like I never did.

What I like to do is now an absolute mystery for me. I used to say I liked drawing but now I barely touch the pencil and paper. I like to write but don't come up with something finished ever. And now I'm being attracted to archery and martial arts but I won't like them see become just a thing I was curious to try and eventually left apart.

I suppose it's all about trying.

Anyway, I'd like to join a summercamp in the wild, or make an exchange to a place with outdoor program. I miss so much the natural of my old paramilitary summercamp.

I'm going out right now. I have to do something with the rest of the wasted day. Maybe a walk on the beach, or around the city.

I know exactly how you feel, Zenit. I can't offer any thoughts on how to meet people -- I'm too shy -- and I too have been feeling unsure as to what to do with myself. I have no idea what advice to give you, since I'm feeling the same way, but at least know this: you are not alone.

[ZenitYerkes]

It's turned worse. Impossible to describe the emptiness. At any moment I will break down and cry, I can feel it; the angst is running up my throat. I feel like a martyr of myself, I can't stop thinking over the stuff that makes me feel bad. I can't stop turning to the forums to seek help. I can't find anything worth doing now. I can't get out of here.

Help.

Sorry rapunzel, I still haven't commented your story.